Ups and Downs

天有不测之风云，人有旦夕之祸福。


The sky has its randomness in terms of weather, and a person's life has its fluctuation in terms of fortune.

Undying love and its endings

Love is a mystery. Interwoven with fate, love spawned different endings. Sometimes love became a tragic ending and one gets to live a life of regret of the missed opportunity as the earlier song "你的爱,我的天" shows (直到今天我依然想念, 你那温柔的双眼, 错过一生遗憾, 黑夜来临常埋怨), and sometimes one became lost in the web of love (今生因你痴狂, 此爱天下无双).

Does undying love always lead to a tragic ending without fate?



天下无双 by 张靓颖


穿越红尘的 悲欢惆怅
和你贴心 的流浪
刺透遍野的 青山和荒凉
有你的梦 伴着 花香飞翔

今生因你痴狂 此爱天下无双
剑的影子 水的波光
只是过往是过往
今生因你痴狂 此爱天下无双
啊.....

如果还有 贴心的流浪
枯萎了容颜 难以忘

Does every cloud has a silver lining?

It is always easy to say that with each difficult time, there will always be a better time ahead. In some aspects, what goes round will return; what you lose now, you learn to gain later.

In other aspects, some matters are not subjected to the laws of logic. Some matters always defy logic and at times, it makes not sense to others, except the concerned people. One such matter is called "Love".

Everyone experiences love at one stage or another. But always, as time passes, everyone always longed for the past love that one has had enjoyed before. Such is the extreme of that love lost and which is never found again. Because it always become a memory, forever subjugating the poor soul to a fit of sadness and loneliness.


你的爱,我的天 by 段品章


等你多少年
我孤独的琴弦流泪
流浪多少年
我的梦困守江南

直到今天我依然留恋
那一个盛夏的夜晚
当爱的弓箭张开
话到嘴边却无言

直到今天我依然想念
你那温柔的双眼
错过一生遗憾
黑夜来临常埋怨

爱是多么甜
爱过恨过 情无缘
泪是多么咸
哭过笑过 更缠绵

你的爱是我的天
为你我不停地漂泊
你的爱是我的天
是那为你殉情的缘

直到今天我依然留恋
那一个盛夏的夜晚
当爱的弓箭张开
话到嘴边却无言

Patience

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.

Revolving Spirit

Even the Chinese don't trust "Made-In-China"

First, we have to congratulate China on her wonderful historical making (for the right reason at least for now) in sending man to space and making the spacewalk, even thought it was only like 15 minutes to go out of the space capsule to retrieve the dry fuel outside it, a purpose creating for the sake for that spacewalk I believe.

When we read all the news, remember, the inner message carried in those articles written around the world stated the facts, the obvious items. What they do not provide for you is the analysis behind the implication, the hidden meaning meant for idle people like me to decipher on their mindset.

We all know that space technology is among the most advanced technology in the world, the other being nuclear science. People ask called advanced technology beyond their field/knowledge "rocket science" to emphasis how advanced space technology is.

Three taikonauts went out to space, on-board the Shenzhou 7, one (Zhai Zhigang) was supposed to make the spacewalk, another (Liu Boming) was also in the airlock module to assist the spacewalk, and the third guy (Jing Haipeng) was in the re-entry capsule to monitor the situation. Note that the re-entry capsule was air-tighted from the airlock module.

Now come the interesting facts, ZZG was wearing a China-made Feitian spacesuit, and LBM was wearing a Russian-made Orlan-M spacesuit. It is a fact stated in many online news article that I read. Conveniently, this fact was not clearly highlighted on CCTV website. Why is this so interesting?

If you read very carefully at these facts, you should realised that even the Chinese themselves don't trust themselves, and we are talking about "rocket technology". Yes, they have made a new spacesuit in Feitian, worn by the poor chap (who happens to be a hero now) ZZG. You could not but feel pity for him, forth he is but a guinea pig for testing. A guiena pig for trying out their "Made in China" branded products. If this product is faulty, nevermind, he dies, yes, but the other guy LBM is wearing the tried-and-tested Russian-made spacesuit can remedy the situation by retrieving his deady body (if there is any skin left due to the likelihood of him exploding in the leaked spacesuit in vacuum).

Now you can see their mindset, the typical Chinese mindset. Two items; (a) human lives is expandable for the sake of glory, and (b) we don't trust our products too.

Here, we are talking about ROCKET SCIENCE, not commodities like milk! You created a new set of spacesuit after heavy investment and lots of testing and you don't trust your creation? How interesting...

Why does medicine taste awful?

Quote of the day:

"If medicine tasted good, sick people might be tempted to stay sick so that they could enjoy the medicine. The worst it tastes, the quicker you would want to get better."

Determination

Sensei's guidance:

When your determination changes, everything else will begin to move in the direction you desire. The moment you resolve to be victorious, every nerve and fiber in your being will immediately orient itself toward your success. On the other hand, if you think "This is never going to work out," then at that instant every cell in your being will be deflated and give up the fight, and then everything really will move in the direction of failure.

The Great Revival

I would like to share a nice (only if you can appreciated it as I do) clip that I streamed and edited from a historical series, The Great Revival. In Chinese, it's called "卧薪尝胆".

卧薪尝胆:
【解释】:睡觉睡在柴草上，吃饭睡觉都尝一尝苦胆。形容人刻苦自励，发奋图强。

First, let's talk about the video clip first. In the clip, the main actor is the King of Yue, Guo Jian (越王勾踐) around the time near to the end of the Spring and Autumn Period of China's history. His kingdom, Yue (越国), was a small state under threat by the bigger kingdom, Wu (吴国). In order to protect his kingdom, he made a pre-emptive attack on the Wu kingdom, resulting in a total loss for Yue. His kingdom was enslaved and the King of Yue was captured and sent to the Kingdom of Wu to serve as the King of Wu's personal slave. Three years of hardship, as portrayed in the video of all the hardship he endured and suffered, including the rape of his queen (in the clip when he tore the manuscript to vent his anger), he endured and suffered in silence. With his "humbled humiliation" and "obedience", he was allowed to return back to his kingdom.

Not wanting to forget, he tasted a bitter gall everyday, remembering his bitter lesson; and he slept on a bed of tree sticks instead of the comfortable bed to constantly alert himself of his hardship before, preventing complacency. He reformed the kingdom for ten years till finally the chance for revenge is near. The King of Wu is embarking on a power hegemony struggle with Kingdom of Jin. His own Yue's troop is now well-trained and in high moral, and his kingdom is now rich after a decade of reforms.

Therefore, in the video, the King of Yue, is pensive and is about the make the final decision whether to take revenge, a gambit for all or nothing. If he succeed, he will gain back his kingdom, and perhaps that's of Wu's as well. If he loses, he will be dead before long and his kingdom will vanish from history.

The rest is history, as recorded in the historical records (史记).

[Note: The background music is 7MB, and if it streamed fine for you, this video of 9MB shouldn't be a problem as well. But remember to pause the background music first.]




Lesson for us:

History bores well for those who learned their lessons. You can fall down and get hurt. But remember, so long as you are not dead, you need to get up yourself and bring yourself to the next level, always remembering the lesson learned from your experience. In that you do that humbly and studiously and with patience; and there will always be a day, a day of reckoning, where you reap what you have sowed over the years.

S.U.M.O.

I happened to have lots of time recently. One fine day, I was at the library and I was browsing the section on "self-improvement" and I chanced upon a book with a witty cover. The book is called "S.U.M.O. (Shut Up, Move On) - The straight talking guide to creating and enjoying a brilliant life" by Paul McGee, a motivational speaker and relationship expert.

Essentially, the book talks about moving on with your life, refocusing on the goals and priorities that are in front of you now, instead of lamming on the past. It does not actually teaches you to ‘get over it’ or ‘pull yourself together’. Specifically, it prescribes the following:

‘Shut Up’ means
- to stop what you’re doing
- take time out to reflect
- let go of baggage and beliefs that hinder your potential.

‘Move On’ means
- Tomorrow can be different from today
- Look for new possibilities.
- Don’t just think about it, take action.

There are a total of 6 underlying principles covered in the book.

----------

Principle #1 - Change your T-shirt

Instead of finding who/what is culpable for your current grievous state, acting like a VICTIM wearing a Victim T-shirt, why not take responsibility for all the things and change your T-shirt to Sumo T-shirt.

If you want to know who is most responsible for where you are in life, take a look in the mirror.

There are 4 reasons why people wear the Victim T-shirt:
Reason #1 - they feel they have no other choice
Reason #2 - low self-esteem and poor self-image
Reason #3 - it's becoming a habit
Reason #4 - some people actually enjoying wearing it

Your choices (in life) are significant. What you affects who you are and where you end up. Removing your T-shirt means changing the status quo. Because when you wear the Victim T-shirt, you become a passenger in your life an allow circumstances an other people to determine your direction. Removing your T-shirt requires courage (to admit to yourself). The wisdom is that we are not always responsible for what happens to us, but we are responsible to how we choose to respond. Even if you are a genuine victim, ultimately you need to learn how to become a survivor.

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Principle #2 - Develop fruity thinking

It asks you to take charge of your own thoughts. The thinking chain using the TEAR model goes as follow:

Thoughts induce Emotions,
Emotions affect Actions,
Actions lead to Results

If you change your current victim thinking, you will change the end-results. Faulty thinking brings about undesirable results and positive and pro-active thinking give yourself a chance to succeed. Reflecting on how we think is one of the most powerful ways we can take control over our lives.

What actually influences our thinking? Our background, our previous experiences, the company that we keep, and the mass media all affects our thinking. There are 4 types of faulty thinking.

The first type is the inner critic. Your voice inside your head that highlights your weaknesses can undermine your confidence. It's not simply what you say to yourself that matters. It's how you say it and how much you believe it that counts.

The second type is the broken record (of ours). There may be times when the problems of the past don't need to be fixed or sorted out. They need to be left behind.

The third type is the martyr syndrome. Suffering from martyr syndrome is more a reflection of how you see yourself as opposed to your dedication to sacrifice for a worthy cause.

The last type is the trivial pursuits thinking. Sometimes we make mountains out of molehills. Perhaps it's not the circumstances that need to change, but more your perspective of those circumstances.

Some of the problems and challenges we face in life are due to our inability to tap into our rational brain. Being truly rational can bring fresh perspective an new insights to an issue. And the key to engaging our rational brain is to ask ourselves questions. The quality of the questions determine the quality of the answers. If you are not happy with the answers life is giving you, then ask some different questions.

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Principle #3 - Hippo time is okay

A hippopotamus, from time to time, likes to remain under water for a considerable time. Resting from setbacks and taking no action is okay. But you need to understand how it has affected you and how you should now recover from them. Wallowing is okay but be mindful of the duration you allow yourself to wallow.

When you deny the negative, you block the road to positive recovery. Also, we have to be careful about sharing the problems with other people in a strict sense. To re-tell (the problems) is to re-live and that is not always helpful.

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Principle #4 - Remember the big beach ball

A big beach ball is bigger than your sight and it has multiple colours. What colour did you see now depends on your perspective. Take a step back, see the big beach ball again and see the number of colours it has to increase your understanding and awareness of other possibilities.

What influences how we and others see the beach ball? First, our age influences. With age comes experience and invariably, how you see and respond to a situation. Next, our values formulate our personal perspective. Never assume that other people value the same things as you. The third influence is our personality. In the book, it listed 4 types:

The Cheerleader - main driver is to get noticed and get appreciated
The Carer - main driver is to get along with others
The Commander - main driver is to get things done
The Thinker - main driver is to get the task right

The last influence is our current state of mind. Our view of situation can fluctuate greatly depending on how we are feeling at that particular time. Your feelings influence your perceptions. So how are you feeling today?

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Principle #5 - Learn Latin

Start to learn new things/matters. Changes will only come through actions, not intentions. Seize the day and explore. Only then will we over our tendency to put things/actions off.

Five reasons why people procrastinate and failed to take actions in their lives. First reason is avoiding discomfort and failing to leave the comfort zone. If we are to succeed, this will involve us taking action or thinking in a way that moves us beyond our normal zone of comfort and familiarity.

Second reason (for procrastination) is our emotional barriers. When you remain a prisoner to your emotions, you may never now the freedom of success. Third reason is the fear of failure. If we are to achieve anything in life, we must remember that setbacks come as a package. Failure isn't fatal until you stop trying.

Forth reason is the typical complacency. A lack of goals and sense of purpose in our lives, results in people drifting along in a haze of complacency. The last reason for our procrastination is out action illusion. Some people can always appear busy, but the question is busy with what? Remember, when all is said and done, more is said than done.

To conquer the procrastination habit is simple - just start doing (something) and always tackle the difficult tasks first rather than leaving them late. At the end of the day, don't be the person saying "I wish I had". Rather be the person who says "I'm glad I did".

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Principle #6 - Ditch Doris Day

Doris Day is the singer for the song "Que Sera Sera". Create your own future and not leave it the chance. The attitude "whatever will be, will be" will not do fine. Learn how to make your best time while you can.

Your destiny has not been decided. Neither the moon, the stars nor fate determine it - you do! Have less regret about what you didn't do in lie. Instead, find out what you have done. And take time out to reflect more on what you really want in life, instead of drifting along with the crowd.

Do not adjust you goals to bring them in line with your life. Adjust your life to bring you in line with your goals. And even note that even when your car is running well, it's still good to have it serviced. The same goes for life.

Hope is not a strategy. Start where you are with what you have and never lose sight of your dream.

"People tend to overestimate what they can achieve in a year, but underestimate what they can achieve in a lifetime." Anthony Robbins

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"Nostalgia" is a dirty word

It takes one's thought to focus on an old happy moment to rekindle all old memories. It takes one's desire of an old event (to re-occur) to revitalize all old emotions. It take one moment in time, in place to chance upon your old love to destroy all resistance to sweep away history.

Alas, it true that yesterday (15th) I chanced upon Missy, at the most unlikely place, a place I visit it for the first time, The Leisure Park at Kallang. I was about to go home, after coffee with my ex-classmates from SIM graduate diploma class. We were outside at the carpark area at 9:30pm or so, yet were not going away and still chatting.

One fine moment, a taxi zoomed in-front of us, and out popped a gal (in the opposite side of the taxi from us) and who is running towards the building. Only her back-view is facing us all along. I was commenting to my ex-classmate that I like this type of lady, petite size, elegant and one who sling her handbag at her elbow-joint on her left arm. From her back, I have already decided that I like this petite lady. It was dark outside, and what we merely saw was the enveloping light around her shone from the building. She was wearing a white blouse and dark pants, I guess.

Next moment, like less than a minute, out came running (from inside the building like 100m away) towards the automatic sliding doors the same lady. From afar, I have already started to focus on her ever since she left the taxi, which is still outside waiting. As she ran nearer, she somewhat tingle my thoughts abit. She does look familiar even though it was kind of pitch dark.

By the time, I have decided that the very lady (whom I thought to myself that I liked her from her back-view) indeed was Missy, she has already hopped onto the same taxi that was waiting for her. Alas, in a moment of truth, nostalgia is overwhelming!

I sms-ed her and confirmed that it was her, Missy! What a place, time and coincidence! How I wish I have a mind eraser now to rub off some thoughts......

Feelings

It was said that if you have no feelings, then you are inhumane and more like a robot. But if robots like Wall-E or Eve in the show, Wall-E, have feelings, what more doesn't we?

Some people don't know what is feelings, some let go of feelings fast, some let it go slower, or some actually never let it go...... Which category do you belongs to?

I happens to belong to the last category, for good or for bad. It is part of me, and this defines who I am.

Something happened today... Perhaps, it is something that I longed for deep inside my heart, but I do know that my mind said, "Oh no!"

Two songs will express my mood today and I have appended them to the current song.

Song 1 - Aspettami by Pink Martini (current song)
Song 2 - Feelings by Julio Iglesias & M. Albert
Song 3 - If You Go Away by Julio Iglesias

------------------------------
Feelings
----------

Feelings
nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my
feelings of love.

Teardrops
rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my
feelings of love.

Feelings...
For all my life I'll feel this.
I'd wish I'd never met you, girl.
You'll never come again.

Feelings...
Oh, oh, oh, feelings...
Oh, oh, oh, feelings
again in my life.

Feeling
feelings like I've never had you,
and feelings like I've never lost you,
again in my heart.

Feelings...
For all my life I'll feel this.
I'd wish I'd never met you, girl.
You'll never come again.

Feelings...
Oh, oh, oh, feelings...
Oh, oh, oh, feelings
again in my arms.

------------------------------
If You Go Away
----------

If you go away on this summer day
Then you might as well take the sun away
All the birds that flew in the summer sky
When our love was new and our hearts were high
When the day was young and the night was long
And the moon stood still for the night-bird's song
If you go away - if you go away - if you go away

But if you stay I'll make you a day
Like no day has been or will be again
We will sail the sun we will ride on the rain
We will talk to the trees and worship the wind
Then if you go I'll understand leave me just
Enough love to fill up my mind
If you go away - if you go away - if you go away

If you go away as I know you will
You must tell the world to stop turning till
You return again if you ever do
For what good is love without loving you
Can I tell you now as you turn to go
I'll be dying slowly till the next hello
If you go away - if you go away - if you go away

But if you stay I'll make you a night
Like no night has been or will be again
I'll sail on your smile I'll ride on your touch
I'll talk to your eyes that I love so much
But if you go go I won' t cry though the
Good is gone from the word goodbye
If you go away - if you go away - if you go

The Hidden Morals Behind "Wall-E"

If you have watched the Pixar animation movie, WALL-E, I am sure you are entertained by the various elements of funny moments and some sad and touching moments inside the movie. But how many of you have actually decipher the hidden morals behind this animation movie?

I am writing with the understanding that you have had watched the show before reading this blog entry.

The first robot, WALL-E, is the typical jack within us, industrial, working for a living, leading a typical happy-go-lucky life.

The second robot, EVE, is the gal with the mission. Nothing will burden her in her search to finish the mission, blasting her way through all dangers.


------------------------------------

The first moral:

Zoom into the midst of the movie, when EVE have found a plant and has achieved a milestone in her mission, she happily deactivated herself, waiting for the spaceship to retrieve her. And all this while, WALL-E was trying to shelter her from the rain, shine, etc, showering her with undivided care and concern, endangering his life with all the lightning strikes, and expecting nothing back in return. All was in vain as EVE hardly even noticed. The mission is the only thing that matter to her.

Zoom into the next part of the movie, when EVE was delivering the plant to the spaceship captain, with WALL-E tagging along behind. During the commotion EVE discovered that the plant was missing at the captain bridge and getting labeled defective and after that was wrongly accused as a fugitive due to the actions of WALL-E, she blamed him without much thinking and quickly tried to send him away back to Earth in a escape pod. The mission is the only thing that matter to her.

Zoom into the next part, when EVE finally managed to sneak into the captain's pilot room, and finally delivered the plant to the captain, and when the captain (who is curious about the things going on Earth) projected her captured images, EVE saw for herself all the care and concern that WALL-E has given to her and she finally understood all the things that WALL-E has done for her. This was after her primary mission is completed.

Moral of the story: In life, we are blinded by our pre-set objectives in our mind that we remained oblivious to the events unfolding around us. Such is our narrow-mindedness that we sometimes realized things too late.

------------------------------------

The second moral:

Looking at the passengers inside the spaceship, enjoying their life. All are doing the same things, when the announcer tell everyone the change in fashion from red to blue, everyone switches without questioning. This is our life indeed. We are hostages inside our society so much that we are lost within, like a frog inside a well. All the frog see upward is the blue sky, and all we see are our mirror images reflected by the people around us.

It takes a fall caused by WALL-E on the guy called JOHN that he fell down from the hovercraft he is on and suddenly he realized that he does not know what he is doing and why he is in red colour. Likewise, the same for the gal called MARY whose hovercraft knocked into by WALL-E too. Together as JOHN and MARY stared outside their window of their spaceship at WALL-E and EVE dancing around space, they realized something called "Feelings" within themselves.

Moral of the story: Life is not about genuflecting and looking up to society for divine fate; it's really about lowering your head in humility and honesty and asking yourself what is actually within yourself.

A new beginning~

The past is gone... And yes, I have waited and endured exactly 3 months before deciding to do this simple action - TOTAL DISENGAGEMENT!

Yes, I have officially deleted Princessy from my Facebook, Friendster and MSN accounts. I am over about the situation. Guys, don't ask me about her anymore~

In every situation, there are things to observe

Nearly 2 months have passed, and yet I am still waiting for that elusive call for AN INTERVIEW, don't even want to mention about an offer. The getting of a job is still far far away.

Notwithstanding, in every situation, good or bad, learn to observe and watch those around you. And yes, in a bad situation, you get to see the worst and best of everyone around you too.

In my situation, I get to see who are those "friends" who are genuinely concerned about my job future and who are those who are there for the sake of being there. In this instance, I have started separating the "acquaintances" from the "friends".

Motivation can also be as Devastating

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." - Henry Ford

Well, Mr Ford, you created mankind's first car, it is easy for you to say that. Very hard for layman like me to pick up the pieces and move on. Life is never the same again as before. Yes, I have learned, but I failed to forget (and perhaps forgive too).

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"The only people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." - George Bernard Shaw

I certainly am no maker of creation, what magic can I conjure? So I failed and I readily admitted it.

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"You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your thoughts." - Charles E. Popplestone

Oh mine, that's easy for you to say, but rather hard for me to do it. The circumstances are beyond my control, without a doubt. My thoughts are not always controlled by my brain and that is the problem.... Sometimes, the heart takes over and rash and impulse actions take place and/or my thoughts sank me into deeper myst.

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"Believing in your own ideas, abilities, and decision-making is the first step to achieving success in life." - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

There is a song called "I believe I can fly" and once I believed in it. So I flew and soared in the sky! And I lost my soul in the process. But as I have had crash-landed now, I regained back my soul, but lost the confidence. So what should I seek now? A question that I have been pondering deeply too. No answer of course!

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"If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else." - Mark Twain

That is perhaps the root issue that I need to address immediately. Where am I heading to now, there are too many "ifs" at this moment. No matter the years that I have had for training during my competitive days in playing deep-thinking moves in chess or weiqi, I just couldn't figure a solution past the web of entanglement compounded by these "ifs" now. Or perhaps as the current music is suggesting, my heart is sunk and my brain is dead.

Someday I'll find my heart (back)

After a terrible bout of more than 2 months, I have switched from listening to sad Chinese sentimental songs (back) to more contemporary English vocal jazz songs. A good sign of moving on? I hope so, but you better listen to the song itself to have the greatest hint.

The song is called "Aspettami" by the group, Pink Martini.

Aspettami
Wait for me
I've been lost
Adrift at sea
In your dreams
Dream my way
Someday I'll find my heart
And come back to stay

Do you miss me
My darling
As I miss you
Take my hand
And pull me near
And never let me go again my dear

There was a time
I was safe in your arms
And the stars fell away like diamonds
Then we were young
And our love was younger still
Was it just an illusion

Aspettami
Wait for me
Close your eyes
And you will see
I'm coming home
Every sky in my heart will be blue
On the day I come back to you

I'm coming home
Every sky in my heart will be blue
On the day I come back to you

What is worth its worthiness?

Someone wrote this and I find it simple yet profound:


"世界上最珍贵的不是得不到和已失去，而是珍惜现在所拥有的"


Simple - that someone is stating the obvious. What other things can you cling onto with whatever you have left?

Profound - very hard to let go of the times/things that you have had before and lost it somehow. How many of us can totally let go of the past?

历史是没有如果的

如果人生没有选择的余地，那是那么痛苦的生活。
如果人生有了选择而矛盾，那是那么悲伤的局面。
所以是该有选择好呢，还是不选为好呢？
这本身就是个不愉快的选！

如果走到没有选择的时段，路只有前进，没有后退，旁拐弯。
那么走下这条只有这条路后，会后悔吗？
如果选择摆在面前，该如何选？
选了以后，走了以后，会回想从前有选择时的那时刻吗？
因为时间是不会倒退的。

历史是没有如果的，只有拼润你已经所做出的选择的效果。
如果有天时，那是您有先天命。
如果有人和，那是您有后天命。
如果有地利，那是指您的判断很正确。
如果要有天时，地利，人和同时出现，那还不如等待奇迹！

如果走一步，算一步；终点到底有多远呢？
还是答不出来的。
如果有了计划抵达终点，然而出现的路是不一样的呢？
还是计划失败了。
船到桥头正的自然会直吗？
还是会撞桥演出祸呢？

历史只会看我将怎么做。
既然已经破釜沉舟， 就没有后退了。
既然计划失败了，只有卧薪尝胆。
只要天理良心还在，我仍然还是我。
坚守我的尊严，心静忍一时。
让我在想一想吧。。。。

中年危机 (Mid-Life Crisis)

Time to motivate THAT courage

Time for myself to motivate myself to move forward. What better than to put a motivating song as company to motivation. All actions and all words!

The meaningful song is "理想国" by 张学友.


如果生命的主角并不是我
这一生也许匆匆走过
也不必想太多

如果我没有想过为谁而活
岁月只会消磨
梦总不会结果

如果逆耳的忠言是为了我
那怕你说的是我的错
我也不要你沉默

如果混乱跟争纷会演成祸
除非不能解脱
我最爱是平和

Chorus:
但我到底是我
坚守我的承诺
历史没有如果
只有看我将怎么做

看这锦绣山河
给我已经很多
让我全心全意
把这土地建成理想国


The lyrics are meaningful to me. I have too many "if" to ponder upon now... In Chinese, I would say this "有提示就有答案。。。 有选择就有反应。。。目前只有等待。。。"

The courage to move forward

My ex-colleague and good friend, Cindy, referred me to her blog entry ("Addicted to... One") that she wrote in 2007 for her cousin. It hit me like a bomb, as if that passage was written for me. Yes, slowly but surely, I am putting some matter down.

Yes, I have dropped Princessy from my prayers to Buddha (if that will answer Glen's question whether I will let her fall on her own) . She has been occupying 20% of my weekly prayers of nearly 7-8 hours. And yes, I am praying for her "safety" from harm. Now I guess she is on her own, to catch her own fall.

For you Sheryl, your health has more or less recovered, I have stopped praying for you too.

For you Elizabeth, like what I told you, when your problem is resolved by your will, I will stop praying for you too. Your share of my prayers has now increased from 10% to 17%! Wish you all the best in your resolution to get out of your own mess!

Attitude towards life

After watching the TV series 百家讲坛: 于丹心得 之 心态与状态 on Channel-U, there is something to learn from the lecture series.

The essence of the lecture dealt with how we can be successful in life by discovering ourselves and our inner needs, rather than being swayed by external factors and influences. In short, a person become successful not because of one's talent or skill, rather it is due to one's approach towards life. If we are swayed by the benefits of doing a matter, or we have too much worry to do that matter, we can never show our utmost potential.


First lesson:- Let things be
In life, we have to learn to let go of things that are unimportant in our life (不去追求生命中不以为是), not obtainable (不去追求生命中无奈何的东西), or to put away the thoughts of competing for the goals that are not reachable (放下我们心中那些较劲的东西).


Second lesson:- be experienced before learning new skill
Why does a skilled diver/swimmer has no qualm to get into a small boat in a big river and try to paddle the boat across the river? It is because the diver/swimmer no longer fear the river and treat it as if he/she is walking on grassland. Hence, it is much easier for him/her to learn to paddle against the strong current of the river to get across. He is not worried that he failed to learn handling the boat, for if he/she falls into the river, there is no problem in swimming.
(人如果有大见识，他再去学一件技巧，就容易得多)

If we do not learn from experience, and combine it the current situation, we will fail, not because we get defeated by others, rather we are defeated by our inner self.


Third lesson:- Adapt well to environment and not depend on your learned skill
An skilled archer has no problem hitting the bull-eyes again and again on a flat grassland. Bring that archer up to the mountain and suddenly his skill become poor. Was it because of the height, wind conditions or was it experience? Thus, we should not depend too much on our learned skills, learned from a fixed environment. They become useless when put into another circumstances. We must learn to adapt to environment.


Forth lesson:- It is our judgment that matters, not our skills
Sometimes when we are not sure about a situation, we are not afraid and bash through the mist, striving for our goals unimpeded. Just like a group of people walking across a plank of wood bridge in the dark, not knowing what is contained within their surroundings. This group of people has no doubt. But when the situation is clear, fear and apprehension starts to clout our judgments and the call to decision become difficult. Just like the bridge analogy, if this group of people is preparing to walk in the bright sunny day, they might realize that the bridge is rotten and shaky, and the depth of the valley is deep. Will you still dare to walk across?
(为什么在黑暗中轻易走过的桥，当看到真实的情景时，就走不动了?)

At the end of the day, it is our judgment call that matters, not our skills nor our talent. How we made our judgment call determine our path in life. How we arrive at that judgment call depends on our attitude towards the circumstances.
(而你真正看清楚生活中的安与危它之间制衡的时候，也许我们鼓起勇气，心怀恐惧，但还能战胜自我的走过去。其实这个时候，行走作为一种技巧重要吗？我们内心的判断才是最重要的)


Fifth lesson:- The task is on hand, see pass the wrapped niceties
Phase 1 - 忘记利益。不再想着用我的事情
Phase 2 - 忘记名誉，不再想着大家的是非, 毁誉对我有多么重要
Phase 3 - 忘记自己，人其实只能达到忘我之境, 可以做得最好
If we can "穿越三个阶段，忘利，忘名，忘我", we can perform a task to our best abilities.

痛哭的人

Nostalgia lingers in the air... Still the sentimental thoughts refused to go away or was it because I am not letting go just yet? Let it be, let see how things move along the journey, couldn't bare to see the road ahead. I do not know what to expect, do not wish to think too much for now.

The chorus expresses my current thoughts well.

痛哭的人 (伍佰 )

今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯

爱上你从来就不曾后悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪

Chorus:
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过

我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人

Don't change the subject... Answer my question

It all started on Thursday. An arranged dinner became naught because you had to hurry your homework before the dateline for sending to the press. Yes, you spent much time on your work and I don't blame you. In fact, I was already graceful enough to wait for you till 3am before chatting with you AFTER you have finished your work.

Granted, you became sick on Friday, down with bad sore throat and headache. Told you not to overwork and strained your already weak health and you don't want to listen. Yet you still continued into the wee hours to rush your work again. Oh well, I was too tired and fell asleep but in between remembered that your smses woke me up enough to reply back to you, even at 2am, 3am, etc while you are still working.

I have patience, I waited for your recovery from Sunday to Wednesday. Well, on Tuesday when you are better, we DID arranged for the missed dinner, didn't we? Yes, I know you have your meeting till 8+ or 9 and I told you I can wait and you agreed. Even though you said you would call me after the meeting and I thought that lots of time wasting trying to rush to your location. My initiative (and perhaps stupidity) is to drive down to your working location and I waited and waited and waited..... I never expect this sms coming from you "... going for dinner with colleagues and Sales Director..." Oh well, you knew very well that I was THERE waiting for you. Never mind, I told myself. Disappointed but not angry, after all I understood that you need to build your rapport with your working partners. To be truthful, I never even noticed that you didn't even send any "sorry" sms.

Next come Friday, still trying to make up for the arranged dinner. Yes, you are meeting a client near my residential area. It is a bonus for me as I am can easily picked you up fast. You told me you need a short while, perhaps 30mins or so. No problem! I waited and waited... From 7pm till 8pm till 9pm... till I told myself 9:30pm is the last timing, for my stomach cannot wait too! I called you and you never even answer. I sms-ed and receive no reply. What more do I have to say?

Still I was worried and I sms-ed you on Saturday "Are you okay?" and only then did I received your reply. But please, don't change the subject! I wanted to know why am I being stood up for more than 3 times within a week and yet receive no good explanation from you. Do you even care at all? Don't tell me that you have been receiving pervert calls in the wee hours. Just answer my question. Now I am pissed!


You knew very well that I am pissed already and therefore I do nothing more. Don't try to keeping sending a "good morning" sms every morning. I don't buy that anymore. I am already courteous to tell you now how I am feeling.... one word - BAD! Don't tell me now that you are so busy with your presentation and work and yet still got your last CFA exams on coming Monday. You did not answer my question and don't change the subject.

All I want you to do is simple - answer my question. You are NOT being responsible to account for your actions and what you have did. So don't change the subject for I will not reply back anymore to you!

Questions to ponder upon

I need to address three questions posted by my friends today.

I think about two~three weeks ago, Sharon asked me why am I so self-centered. This question somehow stunned me for a while for I couldn't reply to her and I do not know what to reply to her. All I asked was in what ways did she felt I was so self-centered. As I read my current book, "Basics of Buddhism - Key principles and how to practise" by Pat Allwright, I somehow find the missing piece to my jigsaw puzzle.

All along in my years of prayers, no matter how limited and infrequent and short I have prayed in the past, I have had prayed for (a) Wisdom and (b) Life-Force. Wisdom has bring me great value in my work especially and I see the effect of myself working effectively and efficiently, gaining approval from everyone around me. And wisdom has given me great understanding of many aspects of life and great understanding power. Life-force has bring about a lively and restless me that pushed myself to the limits in my doings, finishing tasks fast and ahead of time and life-force has always make myself a stronger person that is able to recover fast, even now after I fell down.

What was missing is the third factor, that of Compassion. Compassion is the ability to accept things as they are around me and leave them as they are. Compassion is also the ability to understand the limitation of things around me as such, and the understanding of encompassing and showing not just concern but also the resolutions to the issues around me. I shall pray on it too from now on, that I can show greater compassion. I prayed and I do likewise.

Jennifer asked me yesterday what did I see in Princessy such that I fell head over heels over her. She reminded me about Missy as the comparison. Indeed, deep down inside my heart, I admit, I saw the shadow of Missy inside Princessy from day one. In simpler terms, I respect their greater foresight in "planning" for their future and linking it to their present. That is this similarity that made me accept Princessy despite our age differences. You may laugh at it but this particular reason was the reason why I have faithfully waited for Missy for 5~6 years. The key difference now is simply that Missy walked the thoughts (plan execution) while Princessy still show much signs of talking the thoughts (day-dreaming). Not that Princessy is still young. In fact, I knew both girls when they are at the same age, Princessy now and Missy 7 years ago.

Glen asked me at the same time, will I be willing to let Princessy fall down flat for at least once without me interfering and/or preventing that fall? Seriously I wanted to avoid answering this question or even think about it now. This question will somehow made me feel restless or feel bad. I avoided by replying that the most likely outcome will be that I will likely read about her fall-out (with Delvin) and falling down (if that relationship drags into months or maybe years from now) from her blog, just like her troubles with her 3-week-old relationship with Sam. Yes, you are right that I did not addressed the root question inside my heart. In fact, I do not know how to answer you. You may default it as that I will likely try to prevent her falling down. Perhaps this is the likely outcome if I ever get to know her problems (before that fall). I am confused about my course of actions too. I have not "put the glass down from my outstretched hand; and my hand is getting tired from holding that glass".

Regarding the fall, I do not wish it to happen but after talking to so many people, I cannot but agree with all of them. Of the ladies, Wendy, Agnes, Sharon, Sheryl and Elizabeth, have came to the same conclusion that she is too much into puppy love and if she continues to give so much, she will likely have a bad fall later.

And now, I have answered two of the three questions. The third question is too tormenting for me to answer now. But I promised I will think carefully about it!

I don't wish to turn back the clock

There is a song "I Wish I Could Turn Back The Clock" by "Johnny Hate Jazz" and the chorus goes like:

{
I wish that I could turn back the clock
Bring the wheels of time to stop
Back to the days when life was so much better
}

Interesting notion, but I do not wish it to be true. I was humbled and humiliated but I think I prefer the present me than before. The kindle to start a fire of faming is gone. The impatience self within me is bottled and kept in check by my peace of mind, achieved by my daily prayers to Buddha.

I remain true to my conscience now. When I am concerned about a situation, I will still show and inform you. You don't like it and ask me to think of your level of acceptance. I will only smile at you and will still inform you. I don't have any guilt in telling you from time to time. Not that I wanted it, and how I wished I have forgotten all the latest news about you or have given up the urge to visit your profile to check from time to time. Still, my self-discipline tell me that I cannot erase what I have already know and what I can only do now is to make sure that my concern (for you) is true to my heart.

I remain as calm as the still sea. When you tell me you have a meeting even after your work, even though we have had arranged a dinner, it is okay for me. I can wait and no, I did not want to waste too much time too. Therefore, instead of waiting at home for your call (after the end of your meeting), I became pro-active. I drove down to your working place and waited. Waited I did until I received an sms telling me that you are going for your dinner with your colleagues and Sales Director. Well, I have been stood up and I have waited for nothing too, but it is okay. I understood very much that you need to build up your rapport with your colleagues and boss. I did not jumped and I did not boiled. However, I remained disappointed and I drove home without much fanfare. Yes, some tears may have dropped along the way but I tell myself, what more disappointment have I not received than that week that I fell down? I have learned to shrug all these disappointments and move on.

I remain as pensive as the melody. The job hunt is "slow". An average of 1.5 applications a day keep me "busy". Still I do not expect to receive any interesting call till end of the July. And no, I have not forsaken my goals. I do not seek a job, I seek a career. The road ahead is still long and windy, less misty than before. Work gives life some meaning, something to keep my mind busy and occupy my time after all.

When all things do not fall in place, I do not despair. The 闷气 is strong but it can be suppressed by a cup of Choya 梅酒 at the end of the day before I slumber into light sleep. Yes, I sleep very lightly these days. Any sms/call to my mobile will bring me back to life.

别说我的眼泪你无所谓

Brewing is sometimes not a good sign, at least for me. I don't like it but that something is brewing inside me. Can't help it as it has always been my character... *sigh*

一个人在这个夜里
孤单得难以入睡
真的想找个人来陪
不愿意一个人喝醉

醉了以后就会流泪
数着你给的伤悲
为什么你总让我憔悴
别说我的眼泪你无所谓

看我流泪 你头也不回
哭过了泪干了心变成灰
我想要的美 你还不想给
伤了的我的心怎去面对

爱给了你 我不后悔
只希望你给我一次机会
让我去追 让我去飞
毕竟爱过的心需要安慰
需要你安慰
啊

A measurement of success

"Success isn't a matter of being the best and winning the race, it is a matter of handling the worst and finishing the race."

There i am, at a crossroad, ready to restart my new chapters in life. I have nothing behind, therefore, I feel free suddenly. Free from all the worries about someone, free from work commitment. In fact, I was stupid enough to drop that someone a message to share my worries for what that someone is doing recently - heading for a fall! Let it be sooner than later, for if it comes later, that someone will fall badly for having commit too much. Never mind about that someone, no longer my problem! Even at this time still have the energy to tick me off, very funny! No thanks to that someone's so-called "good friend of 15 years". Enough!

Back to the main topic! What can be worst than the current situation that I am in now. Well, I have fallen, but I have got up again. Before I spring forward fast, I need to think through one more round. And I need to think through all the failures that have had happened in the recent past, in the distant past. They are repeating in fact. Due to my ego and over-confidence in the past, I have not learned those lessons before. Now for the forward sprint!

The race is not over yet. I am badly behind, yes I admit. Not ready to face the future, and not ready to take on new events. Never mind, the focus now is to secure the elusive lucrative job first. If overseas job is a dream waiting to become true, let that good local job be a reality then. Therefore, I will sprint forward now, hopefully will enter the rat race again within 3 months. And this time, I shall remember!

"No matter how wonderful our dreams, how noble our ideals, or how high our hopes, ultimately we need courage to make them a reality. Without action, it's as if they never existed." Daisaku Ikeda

When Your World Crashes

Event followed events, news after news, all things always like to happen together, especially bad things. My dream-plane has just crashed landed, or worst still, is now for surviving elements of myself. I can only tell myself now that tomorrow is always a better day than today because tomorrow is a fresh day waiting for me to write the events. I can only pray that my heart can take the current pain and move forward, the mind is willing but the heart is rather weak.

What has happened? The first event is simple. Someone passed by and instead of walking off, she penetrated my defense (which is up since like a year ago to give myself the chance to relocate) and took my heart away. And worst, she walked off after that, giving her heart to someone else in the process. A one and a half month was all it took for me to lose my heart, and I am sad I am still looking for my heart. It is lost somewhere out there and I still haven't found it back yet. Please took pity on me and return my heart. My world is lost without my heart.

The second event, I have done the courageous and yet a stupid thing to quit my current job. Some say I done it for that someone, which is partly true. The other part, which is forcing me out of the company is the on-going political play that is being played for more than a year already. Of course, I was a pawn in the game and even though I got a promising new job transfer to a good business unit, I do not really want to owe the big boss a favour and get sucked more deeply into the political situation. Besides, my pay was stagnant already. Hence, I took the big step to get out now or not. Of course, my mood for working was gone due to the hurt caused by that someone who took me too lightly, so lightly that my self-beliefs were totally erased.

Third event was only 2 days after the second event and was when I lost my life saving on speculation. And what is left in my saving can barely hold me till at most the end of this year. Why the speculation? In my eagerness to prove my worth (can say was for that someone), I did a step so drastic that I wasn't ready for the heap of pressure that is pressed onto me. Yes, in the past, I have done it successfully without much worry. But the current situation was different. I have big expectation, huge pressure to perform, alone in the outside world, and without a retreat route. From the word "go', I couldn't withstand the pressure and couldn't use my brain properly. There is no success to talk about. Only failure after failure.

Forth event occurred immediately after the third event. I turned on my lappie and found the email that I was waiting for. But the news was opposite of what I have expected and have been waiting for like more than 6 months. Finally, the interested company has decided to put the new position in France instead of the proposed Shanghai. And that meant I am no longer in the picture for them. And here is where my hope of relocation vanishes! For more than a year, the discussion was on-going, for six months, their only logical choice was for Shanghai and the fitting candidate was always me. I have put such high hope on them that I wasn't ready for this unfortunate event to happen. And it happened straight after the event after the events. How can my confused mind take the whammy without the lost heart?

I have fallen badly this time. And as I am writing this entry in my hotel room somewhere overseas, I have also booked my flight back home early. I will be back to Singapore by tomorrow. And now, I really really really need a peace of mind to think through what I am really going to do about the current situation. Don't be fooled by this blog entry and the logical and responsive message carried within. For the person who is writing it is very very weak now, mentally drained (too tired planning a failed plan), physically hungry (literally based on only one meal per day), emotionally depressed (still searching for my lost heart). As I stared at the mirror, I cannot but noticed a bigger patch of white hairs on my fringe and I am not kidding you.

I have reacted fast, which is something good for myself. This is what I am planning to do as the best alternative among the worst choices:

Job:
My life revolves around a job, more than family or love. I have realized this when I am jobless. I have no other choice now but to look for another local job and stay put and fight my way through again. It would have been easier for me if I managed to go overseas (for experience and money) and come back at a higher position too. Too bad, now I have to remain contented at where I am and accept it. I did not achieve but I did not fail. I shall regain back a similar job at another company. If fate decides that I am of middle-management level, I must not complain now. For I cannot fight and win against destiny.

Money:
Forget about the wealth. The future is bleak indeed, as there is no more nest for retirement. What is in front of me is a path to struggle through to regain back my financial health to support myself, my family and hopefully, one day, enough for marriage. Instead of a 3-year pilgrim overseas, this time, it is 3-year struggle to prove myself again the ability to feed a NORMAL family. And stop dreaming about upper-class, stay at middle-class.

Family:
I stay put with my family and should start taking care of my old mother again, instead of creating the void to prevent the painful departure when one day I relocate. I am her son after all.

Love:
I have, more or less, stopped dreaming. There is nothing to hope anyway given the current situation I am in. I have absolutely nothing to offer now, no job, no money, no future. And I can't take care of even myself now, what more can I do for a partner. Stop dreaming about it and get back to working life first. Don't put a gal future into another struggle by my own struggle. And now, I really hope my future partner can really accept me for what I am, instead of me trying to prove my worth to feed her.

Character:
A lesson on humility was learned and I do not throw it out. I have mellowed in many aspects and I hope I can maintain it and don't let the future success (if any) get into my head again. I have recalled from my religious studies during my secondary days that a man's honour is measured by his virtues, not by his display of wealth or lifestyle. I will keep my honour as such!

Lost in the Wilderness

From the very moment I stepped out of the plane, I was under tremendous pressure to perform. I crumbled from the word "GO". I lost dearly, my soul and my nearly everything.

As I hide in my hotel room, seeking sanctuary, I need time to ponder what the heck was I doing? I succumb to pressure for 3 days already. And I got another 6 more days to go! What am I going to do? What should I do? I'm lost!

As I yearned to fly back home to my cosy room back in Singapore, but yet I can't! I can only return on the 10th! Meanwhile I was also pondering deeply amid these wild actions I did over the 3 days. Was I really doing all these for myself? Or was I in self-denial stage again? I got a feeling it's the latter. The lingering effect of her has not got over at all. No matter how hard I tried to bottled up my feelings, I guess it is also brewing inside... *sigh* Oh, what must I do now. I really don't know.

I am really squeezed from both ends, the pressure to recover now (what more to talk about performing) and to face up to the world again, especially if one day I face her again. Will I be better than before? Or has I become worst? For the moment, it is the latter as I have nothing already, no job, no incoming job offer, no nothing... How I wish I don't have to face her. Oh Buddha, save me from abysmal.

破釜沉舟

破釜沉舟 (pò fǔ chén zhōu) :-
. . . 比喻下决心不顾一切地干到底。

Today is the start of a new dawn. A day when I joined the jobless clan, with mixed feelings of nostalgia and uncertainty. For perhaps the first time in my life, I decided to embark on something that I have never done it in my life before. I am venturing out into the wilderness, seeking for some truth and meanings in career, life and perhaps some answers to relationship puzzles.

There is no retreat route anymore. I have no backings, no support and I only have a focus forward. I cannot look back and yearn for the past, and there are tons of people waiting there behind, waiting for me to turn back, laugh at me and tell me "I told you so". I know they do care for me but at this stage, as I seek my path forward into the future, I have decided that I want to take control of my own life.

I cast my Tarot program and this is what it suggested what will happen next "You will suddenly realize new mindset; and you become stronger in your new belief and will not waver, and will not believe the group opinion and will seek the path alone." How right can it be! How many would have understood the path that I am taking. Not many or I should say none. Only 3 persons knew my path and well they don't agree (in their hearts) but at least they do give me the moral support to move forward. For me, this is good enough.

Cutting off all retreat routes is something a desperate person will do. But no, I am not desperate. But I seek changes and I do that in order to remind me of the painful lessons (in work and in relationship) I have learned in recent months. Th path forward is unclear but the goals are clear to me. I see the goals but have not yet found the right route to these goals.

As the great general, Xiang Yu, ordered all cooking woks be destroyed so that his tiny Chu army has only 2 choices - a quick decisive victory or death, against the much bigger Qin army at the Battle of Julu; I have cut myself off from my circles of relationship and there are only 2 paths forward - a 3-year pilgrim or self-destruction.

For, this is a pilgrim that I will not enjoy and will be under constant pressure to actualize the goals. And my boss was right about me, there is a self-confidence to take myself forward; otherwise, it won't be me anymore!

Last but not least, just want to pass a message to all who are reading this - I know what I am doing! And as I sow the plan, I shall reap the consequences.

You are erased!

Dear Friends who are reading my blog,

From today onwards, there will be no more article on Princess Jasmine in this blog. She is erased from here.

My apology on this issue and I shall keep you guys updated on my latest happening and events.


Your Sincerely,

Lodoss

The nonsenses I received from Princess

Selection of short messages I received from Princess Jasmine:

3rd Jun 2008:
"We have never been together"

7th Jun 2008:
"I'm not ur dear n can u pls leave me alone ?"
"It's not still ... we nv been together ..."

8th Jun 2008:
"Dun need to waste ur time on me ..."
"I've decided who i wanna b wif already ..."

23rd Jun 2008:
"I tink some stuff tt u did was over seriously i'm not in the mood to take ur nonsense ... Pls leave me alone ... Stop sendin me msg which cause disturbance To me ... Dun act as though u noe everythin wen u noe nuts ... Tis simply irritate me ... Stop attractin negative attention can u ?"



Selection of MSN messages I received from Princess Jasmine:

12th Jun 2008:
"i tink if u really wanna continue n b friends u should really noe ur limits"
"i kind of felt those msg disturbin n my bf dun like it"

17th Jun 2008 (after Princess was dumped by Sam after 1 week of stead):
"i do hope u haf ur own limits"
"pls stop doing silly things"
"i jus wanna noe wat i should do now wif me n sam the rest i seriously dun wanna tink abt it"
(she just want me to help her solve the problem between Sam and herself)
"care to talk ?"
(we chatted for 3 long hours and it's all about Sam, Sam and Sam only)

24th Jun 2008 (after they have patched back upon chance meeting at clubbing):
"watever i do is nothin got to do wif u"
"please stop irritating me"
"i demand to b left alone"
"or if u wan to try how far i can go jus to get u out of my life"
"i'll nv contact u"



Selected passage on Princess Jasmine blog entries:

23rd Jun 2008:
"... But things aren’t that smooth yesterday, someone irritated me on the phone. Called me and ask me silly questions, u are jasmine hor? Fei hua, den who do u think u called? Ok ren, yes y? Orh no I was surprised that u picked up my call. That was it man, I just hang his call his he never expect me to even listen to his call. Wu liao de ren. I know if I didn’t hang the call it’ll definitely spoil my day. ..."



Well, this is the new ME... You are forgiven, absolutely! But note this too, I will NOT forget what I received from you too. Once bitten, twice shy and I will keep these evidences as my mental shield against you thereafter.

And read this too... I am leaving you alone as you demanded... [censored]

[censored]

[censored]

One thing I will do for many many days... I shall pray to Buddha to repent ... for what I wrote here... for forgiveness too~

What kind of friends are you having?

To Jasmine,

Your world is very simple, surrounded by friends or should I called them acquaintances or purpose-oriented friends. When your world is full of sunshine, these people are always there. Are you happy? I thought so, for your case. Time will separate them apart from you, I guarantee you that.

As for me, I have very little friends, perhaps only a close cliques of maybe 5 close friends to mention about. Am I happy? Certainly I am. Why? The reason is very simple, they are my TRUE friends. That is the reason and is the only reason why I stick to them. We hardly meet these days, yes, but our friendship goes beyond that boundaries.

Back to your friendship, yourself already know some of them are not true. But I guess your sense of belonging tell you that you need them to laugh together with you, to fill your time-space, etc. But let me make this clear to you, you are better off without them for they will only hurt you in some subtle ways that you may not even be aware of it.

For once, I am still the Dark Angel. Yes, I am direct and I kick her out for you. You are certainly not happy and you barked at me and asked me to "leave you alone" for doing such thing on you. This is not the first time I am hearing this already. In fact, I have left you alone for such a long week.

But let me tell you this, if you can't even tell a good friend of 2 months from a jealous friend of 15 years (yourself know that very well), then I am utterly disappointed in you too. Don't complain to me about that! I am being true to my conscience, but are you being true to yours or are your faking when you are in front of her? If these are the games that you people are playing, count me out. I look for true and only true friendship. The rest? I always invite them to Marina to go fly their own kites!

Why is my life revolving around ... ladies ... ?

My good adviser and MSN chat friend, Sheryl (yes, revealing her name at last), who has a very good nest building planning which I admire told me on Saturday morning something that shook me. She was at home while I was at Kallang Mac doing my Personal Growth Planner. She said this "Why is your life revolving around her?" It sound like I was shot.

Before I quited that chat session for home, I told her I would ponder upon that statement. And I did. I looked back at my past too. Let me revealed abit more.

When I was young, still a secondary school until junior college, my life revolved around my eldest sister. My good behaviour is the results of her motherly discipline and everyday I was like trying to find ways and means to avoid her scolding. That was my growing up days.

When I was carefree during my universities day, by being physically absent from home and stay in hostel, I have more or less become self-independence, except financially. Even though each and every sisters contributed their share, none has done it more than my forth sister and her monthly allowance and her constant inquiry about whether I have enough.

When I met my first and still the only ex-gf in 1995, she started to wait outside my lecture theatres every day after every break. While, what more do you wish for to see someone dear waiting outside faithfully for you. Unwittingly my life revolved around her everyday as we spent our time together everyday, which meant I neglected all my friends! After the breakoff, I discovered that I lost more than just her! I lost all my university friends and only a handful is left with me! My life really did revolved around her!

When I met my first crush, Missy, in 2001 she was attached at that time. Yes, I admit I spent more time with her in the next 2 years than her bf, who was still serving his time at NS (mine was over like 6 years ago). Even though we toned down (due to some difficulties) the next 2 years, my heart still contained her and my life really evolved around her too.

Along the journey, I still meet other potentials, and one of them (a teacher) one day emailed me this "... it's abt me cos u know me....who cares whether how they die? All I need is some comfort from u when I'm sad.....I wanted to share so much with u...to call u to talk to u....but i know you were so busy and even if you are free, you wouldn't take my call! Aloof? I would not label u that cos there were times when u do share your stuff with me too ..." I have to say that I am sorry as my heart wasn't ready for you at all.

My heart can contain one and only one lady at any time. This is perhaps my greatest asset (being faithful) and also my greatest obstacle (to accept another). And I do not think there is anything wrong with being as such!

Without needing any guess, I deliberately ignore the teacher after that. Months later, I met another lady, a Korean lady who is staying in Singapore to be exact. After a few dates, one day inside my car, I suddenly heard something of this "I love you" coming out from her mouth. Pretending to be her bad command of English, I actually asked her what did she said. Of course, the same words will not come out again. After that, I avoided her too. The reason is pure and simple, Missy has never left my heart until the day she announced she is going for ROM in Jun 2006. And the Korean lady got married to another Singaporean guy in 2007.

Now in Jun 2008, as I looked through the events, actually most of my actions revolved getting myself accepted by my Dear and her family EVEN when I am not her bf at all! Yes, I may have thoughts of doing my plan of relocation 2 years back but the actual trigger was actually my Princess Dear. In fact, the Personal Growth Planner revolved around getting her back into my arms and it does have a time frame too. My life is actually revolving around her now!

I am a weakling in this aspect, I understood. Even as I re- and re- and re-read my Dear's blog, this is what she has said on her own problem of having her bf of only 1 week dumping her after another week "我知道你要离开很简单 I also know that I would not be able to stop u either, cause I had to lead my own life to. Jeslyn was right though she wasn’t referring to me but life doesn’t just evolved around u. there are a lot of things in this world that I need to look into. A chance was given and u let it go, u chose ur path and I had to move on with mine." She is even stronger than I am. Am I that strong and decisive as she is after all? 拿的起，放不下！

Really have to thank Sheryl for her frank and blunt statement. It was like a bullet penetrating through my heart. Knowing myself very well, I am afraid I am unable to do what you said is right for me. But I do know how to resolve this difficulty in another way. My heart will heal over time, slowly but naturally. [deleted some parts]

To my Princess Dear,

I have to say this and I hear this from my Boss's mouth too. I nearly fall off my chair when I hear a Christian telling me this. God brought us to this world and give us the taste bud not to taste food only. We must face a life of sweetness, bitterness, sourness, saltiness and hotness. I am afraid your life has been a bed of roses and full of sweetness. You have not tasted bitterness yet. What more can you expect when it come to hotness. I have tasted bitterness and sourness already and is still learning the meaning of saltiness. Also not ready for hotness too. But when the right time comes by end of 2010 when you have worked perhaps half a year of more after your university studies, we (not just me) expect you to fall flat and tasted the 2nd taste. The working world is too vicious and cunning. You are not ready for it just yet. [deleted portions]

This is not a promise, but a commitment!

你怎么舍得我难过

Another nice sad sentimental song that is descriptive of my sadness. Nonetheless, that sadness has lessen, perhaps the duration of suffering was longer (so used to it already), perhaps the hatred has increased (after those ill-treatment), or perhaps my mind has become more firm, perhaps otherwise. Who knows. Let it be. Anyhow the lyric of this song sung by 黄品源 goes:

[1] 对你的思念 是一天又一天
孤单的我 还是没有改变
美丽的梦 何时才能出现
亲爱的你 好想再见你一面

[2] 秋天的风 一阵阵地吹过
想起了去年 的这个时候
你的心 到底在想些什么
为什么留下 这个结局让我承受

[Chorus]
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
在我最需要你的时候
没有说一句话就走
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过

Repeat [2], [Chorus] x 2

Karma will catch up with you one day... this is for sure!

I am in agony. I feel like a piece of meat, being eaten, being used, and later being dumped. Yes, I was wrong initially to say something nasty to my Dear. For that, I suffered many many nights of agony and lost her in the end, and my whole career up in ashes already. This is my Karma, I accepted it and I shall repent in time to come.

But do understand one fact. You reap what you sow. I had my karma, so shall you! Understand one matter, if all your sms-es and concern are geared towards your SAM, please ask other people! I am not interested to talk about him at all. I already give you so much hint like "I am not him, cant answer on his behalf..." to tell you don't ask me what should you do to get him back or what did he meant by this and that, etc.

If all your concerns are about SAM, do bear a thought for the person whom you are asking! I am very very hurt inside and is in pain when you asked me these matters. What can be worst when I sms-ed you so many times and you don't even bother to reply back. And when you sms-ed me, you EXPECT a PROPER reply and I got 3 repeating sms-es if my reply is not prompt or if I do not want to answer the question, I get a tick-off sms like "Y not tell me wat is the point of him doin all these ?"! Who am I to you then? Just a PIECE of talking machine, giving you opinions? Are you blind to these facts? I seriously don't think so, you have on your forehead the 3 lines of LKY, the mark of a smart people. For that, I am telling you "DO NOT PLAY OTHER PEOPLE FEELINGS!" Because Karma will catch up with you one day!

Seriously, if you are able to tell me this "I tink u tink too highly of urself u r nv tt important tt i'll mention u in my blog ... to leave or not u decide it doesn't bother me at all ...", what do you expect me to do? I already prepared myself mentally that I am going to get out of this mess and will remain passive and let everything be as it is now. Why of all matters, when I sms-ed you on Thursday 10 sms-es and I got that super unfriendly reply; and on Friday, I have decided not to sms you anymore and you decided to disturb me in the evening with your nonsense again and it goes "Wat does he mean by tellin me thou we may not b together now but who noes in future ... He repeated this 2 me 3times in a row askin if i understood wat he mean" Let me tell you this! Your problem with him is not my problem! Don't get me involved! Are you such an attention-seeker that you find it suffocating and embarrassing if no one bother to pay any attention to you anymore?

Anyhow, you never read my blog, so it is okay to write whatever I want. Even if you do read my blog, you know what to do and if you still continue to do what you are doing; then understand this, my hatred for you has started building up too.
.
.
[I was tossing the whole night in bed thinking and thinking and thinking; ended up decided to amend the whole passage at 3am in the morning!]

The past is written, but we can end that chapter in harmony

After the recent events that are happening to me, suddenly I realized that to let go is a very relieved thing to do. And as I think back about my past, I understood my actions of the past - narrow-minded. What done was done, it can't be changed! Nonetheless, it's always better to be late than never. And this is what I realized and so I acted upon it.

I sms-ed Missy on 18th Jun 2008 at 09:13AM:
"Hi XXX... So long never hear anything from you. How is it going?"

I got no reply (as expected as I think she was already very angry over my last communications when I refused to advice her about her job change).

And as I was drinking coffee in the late afternoon, tears flowed naturally and I really felt bad for Missy and I decided to let her know my feelings:

I sms-ed Missy on 18th Jun 2008 at 15:40PM:
"As I woke u from my dreams after an event, I pondered upon my life that I have lived through, and the path ahead for me. The tasks ahead are daunting, the path is rough, and the view is misty. Still it is my destiny to push through. And as I turned and looked at my past, I saw the gal that I have had loved for 5 years in my heart. And I saw how badly I have treated her when she did not chose me. I cannot turn back, but I could only say "SORRY" sincerity. I do not seek forgiveness nor do I seek redemption. I just want you to know that you have not lost your friendship in me."

And I am not expecting any reply from Missy. This is the most forgiving sms that I ever sent to to Missy. With this sincerity, I have learned to let go and not expect anything in return. This is something I learned from Vans (my Thai friend).

In the evening while discussing my future and problems with my forth sister, I received a sms, thinking it was from my Dear but ended up it was from Missy and it went:
"I m glad u have come to your senses. As long as u have woke up to accept reality, u r still my friend. Well, I know u dont choose 2 be the way u r in the past.. Relieved tat u finally see enlightenment. Anywy, i m doing fine, just too busy with work.."

I did not replied to her anymore. No, I no longer see any need to do that because I am sincere and I am not sms-ing her to get her attention to reply back so that we can chat. I am sincerely sms-ing to make known my opinions and regrets.

I promised her a dinner date before my eventual re-location. This promise, I will fulfill. Hope she will understand that in doing that date, I wished to treasure my time with her and bottled the feelings I have for her for memories. She is married but nonetheless, it does not mean I have had no feeling before, now or the future.

Just as I had told my Dear before, my love for a person is singular. Other people's love can fade easily. Mine usually brew over time, and it get richer over time. Dear is occupying my heart now, even though her own heart is occupied by another guy who left her after promising lots of empty promises after 1 week of whirlpool relationship. But it does not mean that my heart is being occupied by many, I merely bottled up the feelings for Missy and put somewhere... within me. I have deep feelings and I am a homo sapien after all!

求佛

As I ponder upon my future, I find this song quite meaningful. Yes, I really need to "grab Buddha's leg" tightly. Yes, I am greedy, I want my future and experience through relocation and yet I still want Dear to find me and hold on to me eventually. For that I need to "求佛"!

求佛 (誓言)

当月光洒在我的脸上
我想我就快变了摸样
有一种叫做撕心裂肺的汤
喝了它有神奇的力量

闭上眼看见天堂
那是藏着你笑的地方
我躲开无数个猎人的枪
赶走坟墓爬出的忧伤

为了你,我变成狼人摸样
为了你,染上了疯狂
为了你,穿上厚厚的伪装
为了你,换了心肠

我们还能不能再见面
我在佛前苦苦求了几千年
愿意用几世换我们一世情缘
希望可以感动上天

我们还能不能能不能再见面
我在佛前苦苦求了几千年
当我在踏过这条奈何桥之前
让我再吻一吻你的脸
让我再吻一吻你的脸

Let it be as such

After so many days of upheaval and unsettling nights, I have at last feel very relived. After losing my Dear on 1st Jun 2008, I thought the world has ended. What could be worst than to receive sms-es like "I've decided who i wanna b wif already ..." on 8th Jun 2008. It was like a lorry has banged into my face. Ouch! It hurt where it matters, in the heart, deep inside.

But alas, it was never meant to be. You are too headstrong, Dear. To rush into a relationship within a week when you barely even know the guy much? Suddenly I felt a sense of immaturity in her. Perhaps she was escaping her exbf's shadow, perhaps she was trying to be rebellious and goes against the wishes of her mother to marry a rich kid. Perhaps there is no perhaps. Not everything in life that we do, we can totally disregard the world and go ahead in our decision. This is also something I never practice. Hence, I was bounded badly too~

As my Dear contacted me back and asked me about my opinion on their breakoff after a week of spiral dating. To be honest, I do not want to talk about him, I wanted to talk about us. But you only wanted to know about him. So be it. But as we chatted, I begun to grow afraid too. Afraid of the future. Afraid and daunted by her family background. Untouchable!

The world is fair. If you have perfection in certain aspects, you will be blunted in some other aspects. If richness is what your mother asks you to seek, happiness is what you will be missing later. If happiness is what you seek yourself, demotion of lifestyle is what you will suffer. Therefore, we shall balance. Balance is the only solution.

The three hours chat that we have had was good. We are willing to share over details and others. But, there lies my worries now. In short, this is what I am going through after that call:

Depression -> recovered
Burdened -> recovered
Shaken -> recovering
Scared -> take on this trait suddenly
Confused -> deepened

Yes, even though now you allow me to call you on the phone, yet you have not agree to meet me. This is fine for now. We will meet eventually. We will take on new activities together. This I am confident about.

What I was scared now is the simple fact that I am not ready. I need the time to build myself up for the next 3 years. Hence my confusion deepened. To let go now and ventured into another country, I would come back stronger, but most likely losing Dear in the process. To purse Dear now and let go of the relocation is to kill of any chance of building up. And yet in the latter process, I may still fail in the end. Money is still what her family demanded to match. Money is what I lacked. But I do know that perhaps in their eagerness to take care of their Princess, they should realize one fact - they are not selling their daughter! Money can buy luxuries, but not happiness.

Consulted many ladies I did. And this is what they said:

Eldest sister (44), mother of 2 -> Go to Shanghai!
Forth sister (42) , mother of 3 -> I support your whatever decision
Friend (26), mother of 2 -> it's puppy love she is having for goodness sake!
Friend (23), caught in love triangle -> fight for her
Friend (29), good nest planning she had -> drop her?

To be truthful, I have had think hard too. The answers are always inside my brain. I know them too well. Just want to hear more opinions, that's all. I went for palm reading before and this is what the Master said, "indecisive; but once made a decision, will stand firm; and will crush all opposition to this decision" And he is right! The path standing before me has been hatched 2 years ago. I waver, I side-tracked, I even nearly gave up (for Dear's sake) and I wish to change track.

As I am standing up to stand firm, I know in my life, no matter how I have side-tracked in my path, I always reach the same destination in the end. This time, I started to stand up for my decision. Yes, I am going to relocate after all! And no, I will not side-tracked or pull-back by anyone anymore!

But no, I am not giving up on Dear. Called it a test of Love! If she was meant for me, she will be. Just as my boss related his story. They broke off for 3 years, came back together for 1 year, broke off for another 3 years, and ended up in marriage after all. If my Dear was meant to be mine, she will be! If my Dear is really a committed person (which now I started to suspect due to her recent case), she will even be willing to relocate herself and pursue her dreams of the TCM study at my same location. This is the ultimate compromise! Will it happen? I won't dream of it. Not at all.

As for now, friendship shall take place. Nothing more serious than that. Your destiny may not cross with mine. I can really accept that now. I am relived of my burden (of pursuing you). If you are serious about me (which I seriously doubted that; more like being hanged by a thread), you will come after me. Now I will respect this saying:

有缘千里来相会。
无缘对面不相逢。

Nature shall take its course! Let it be. Dear is still young. A student mindset is always that of a student, nothing more. What you thought you had more is due to your complicated family situation and the wide socializing that you have had. In the end, you are not proven. The working world out there is vicious and unforgiving for failures. Don't expect your parents to rescue you too often. It will set you back actually. And you must learn to let go of your inner hatred and eagerness to prove to other people. Life is about living your life as it is, not to prove for other to see.

As for me, I can understand that no matter what I did in the 3 years or so, there is only one conclusion. I will come back stronger, learned by failing or achieved by success. There is no other outcome. Therefore, I shall go venture!

(P.S.: For the first time in my life, I was able to accept letting someone go and freely choose what she wanted, even if her choice later is still me. Sorry to Missy, that I have had not given you this chance in 2005.)

Love is just a Simple Word

Again, today I learned new stuff. I am starting to accept new stuff since that Fateful Day. Thanks to my friend, Vans, who is a Thai, I have learn new meaning in life. This is what I learned (edited for English from the original passage):

The word "love", which people want to express their feeling
It's just the promise that love will strong enough for eternity
Love is just a simple sweet word creating wonderful dreams
Fulfilling love along the way
Starting from this day onward
Will our love last forever and will it be powerful enough?

Nobody in this world will know when is "love" going to end
Nobody knows when "love" is going to fade away
But all I know is that I love you in which I will make the best out of this moment

Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow
Nobody knows when is "love" going change its course
Maybe that change is going to be either painful or full of tremendous love
That change only depends on whether our hearts are still united together or not
There is no set reason for "love", just give all whole heart
"LOVE" is a powerful word that invites all of us to dream and pass on our love to each other

By Vans Nattakran

A smile is all I asked for

Everyday, I start to open my eyes and learn new things. Today, I am very happy to learn another profound and meaningful message from a Thai friend.

"Don’t go for look, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth, even that fade away. Go for someone who make you smile. Because it take only a smile to make a dark same bright."


Also, this is from my Thai friend. Thanks Vans!

Giving someone all your love
Is never an assurance
That they’ll love you back
Don’t expect love in return
Just wait for it to glow in their heart
But if it doesn’t
Be content it grew in your heart


I am learning...