My ex-colleague and good friend, Cindy, referred me to her blog entry ("Addicted to... One") that she wrote in 2007 for her cousin. It hit me like a bomb, as if that passage was written for me. Yes, slowly but surely, I am putting some matter down.
Yes, I have dropped Princessy from my prayers to Buddha (if that will answer Glen's question whether I will let her fall on her own) . She has been occupying 20% of my weekly prayers of nearly 7-8 hours. And yes, I am praying for her "safety" from harm. Now I guess she is on her own, to catch her own fall.
For you Sheryl, your health has more or less recovered, I have stopped praying for you too.
For you Elizabeth, like what I told you, when your problem is resolved by your will, I will stop praying for you too. Your share of my prayers has now increased from 10% to 17%! Wish you all the best in your resolution to get out of your own mess!
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Attitude towards life
After watching the TV series 百家讲坛: 于丹心得 之 心态与状态 on Channel-U, there is something to learn from the lecture series.
The essence of the lecture dealt with how we can be successful in life by discovering ourselves and our inner needs, rather than being swayed by external factors and influences. In short, a person become successful not because of one's talent or skill, rather it is due to one's approach towards life. If we are swayed by the benefits of doing a matter, or we have too much worry to do that matter, we can never show our utmost potential.
First lesson:- Let things be
In life, we have to learn to let go of things that are unimportant in our life (不去追求生命中不以为是), not obtainable (不去追求生命中无奈何的东西), or to put away the thoughts of competing for the goals that are not reachable (放下我们心中那些较劲的东西).
Second lesson:- be experienced before learning new skill
Why does a skilled diver/swimmer has no qualm to get into a small boat in a big river and try to paddle the boat across the river? It is because the diver/swimmer no longer fear the river and treat it as if he/she is walking on grassland. Hence, it is much easier for him/her to learn to paddle against the strong current of the river to get across. He is not worried that he failed to learn handling the boat, for if he/she falls into the river, there is no problem in swimming.
(人如果有大见识，他再去学一件技巧，就容易得多)
If we do not learn from experience, and combine it the current situation, we will fail, not because we get defeated by others, rather we are defeated by our inner self.
Third lesson:- Adapt well to environment and not depend on your learned skill
An skilled archer has no problem hitting the bull-eyes again and again on a flat grassland. Bring that archer up to the mountain and suddenly his skill become poor. Was it because of the height, wind conditions or was it experience? Thus, we should not depend too much on our learned skills, learned from a fixed environment. They become useless when put into another circumstances. We must learn to adapt to environment.
Forth lesson:- It is our judgment that matters, not our skills
Sometimes when we are not sure about a situation, we are not afraid and bash through the mist, striving for our goals unimpeded. Just like a group of people walking across a plank of wood bridge in the dark, not knowing what is contained within their surroundings. This group of people has no doubt. But when the situation is clear, fear and apprehension starts to clout our judgments and the call to decision become difficult. Just like the bridge analogy, if this group of people is preparing to walk in the bright sunny day, they might realize that the bridge is rotten and shaky, and the depth of the valley is deep. Will you still dare to walk across?
(为什么在黑暗中轻易走过的桥，当看到真实的情景时，就走不动了?)
At the end of the day, it is our judgment call that matters, not our skills nor our talent. How we made our judgment call determine our path in life. How we arrive at that judgment call depends on our attitude towards the circumstances.
(而你真正看清楚生活中的安与危它之间制衡的时候，也许我们鼓起勇气，心怀恐惧，但还能战胜自我的走过去。其实这个时候，行走作为一种技巧重要吗？我们内心的判断才是最重要的)
Fifth lesson:- The task is on hand, see pass the wrapped niceties
Phase 1 - 忘记利益。不再想着用我的事情
Phase 2 - 忘记名誉，不再想着大家的是非, 毁誉对我有多么重要
Phase 3 - 忘记自己，人其实只能达到忘我之境, 可以做得最好
If we can "穿越三个阶段，忘利，忘名，忘我", we can perform a task to our best abilities.
The essence of the lecture dealt with how we can be successful in life by discovering ourselves and our inner needs, rather than being swayed by external factors and influences. In short, a person become successful not because of one's talent or skill, rather it is due to one's approach towards life. If we are swayed by the benefits of doing a matter, or we have too much worry to do that matter, we can never show our utmost potential.
First lesson:- Let things be
In life, we have to learn to let go of things that are unimportant in our life (不去追求生命中不以为是), not obtainable (不去追求生命中无奈何的东西), or to put away the thoughts of competing for the goals that are not reachable (放下我们心中那些较劲的东西).
Second lesson:- be experienced before learning new skill
Why does a skilled diver/swimmer has no qualm to get into a small boat in a big river and try to paddle the boat across the river? It is because the diver/swimmer no longer fear the river and treat it as if he/she is walking on grassland. Hence, it is much easier for him/her to learn to paddle against the strong current of the river to get across. He is not worried that he failed to learn handling the boat, for if he/she falls into the river, there is no problem in swimming.
(人如果有大见识，他再去学一件技巧，就容易得多)
If we do not learn from experience, and combine it the current situation, we will fail, not because we get defeated by others, rather we are defeated by our inner self.
Third lesson:- Adapt well to environment and not depend on your learned skill
An skilled archer has no problem hitting the bull-eyes again and again on a flat grassland. Bring that archer up to the mountain and suddenly his skill become poor. Was it because of the height, wind conditions or was it experience? Thus, we should not depend too much on our learned skills, learned from a fixed environment. They become useless when put into another circumstances. We must learn to adapt to environment.
Forth lesson:- It is our judgment that matters, not our skills
Sometimes when we are not sure about a situation, we are not afraid and bash through the mist, striving for our goals unimpeded. Just like a group of people walking across a plank of wood bridge in the dark, not knowing what is contained within their surroundings. This group of people has no doubt. But when the situation is clear, fear and apprehension starts to clout our judgments and the call to decision become difficult. Just like the bridge analogy, if this group of people is preparing to walk in the bright sunny day, they might realize that the bridge is rotten and shaky, and the depth of the valley is deep. Will you still dare to walk across?
(为什么在黑暗中轻易走过的桥，当看到真实的情景时，就走不动了?)
At the end of the day, it is our judgment call that matters, not our skills nor our talent. How we made our judgment call determine our path in life. How we arrive at that judgment call depends on our attitude towards the circumstances.
(而你真正看清楚生活中的安与危它之间制衡的时候，也许我们鼓起勇气，心怀恐惧，但还能战胜自我的走过去。其实这个时候，行走作为一种技巧重要吗？我们内心的判断才是最重要的)
Fifth lesson:- The task is on hand, see pass the wrapped niceties
Phase 1 - 忘记利益。不再想着用我的事情
Phase 2 - 忘记名誉，不再想着大家的是非, 毁誉对我有多么重要
Phase 3 - 忘记自己，人其实只能达到忘我之境, 可以做得最好
If we can "穿越三个阶段，忘利，忘名，忘我", we can perform a task to our best abilities.
Saturday, 26 July 2008
痛哭的人
Nostalgia lingers in the air... Still the sentimental thoughts refused to go away or was it because I am not letting go just yet? Let it be, let see how things move along the journey, couldn't bare to see the road ahead. I do not know what to expect, do not wish to think too much for now.
The chorus expresses my current thoughts well.
痛哭的人 (伍佰 )
今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯
爱上你从来就不曾后悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪
Chorus:
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人
The chorus expresses my current thoughts well.
痛哭的人 (伍佰 )
今夜的寒风将我心撕碎
仓皇的脚步我不醉不归
朦胧的细雨有朦胧的美
酒再来一杯
爱上你从来就不曾后悔
离开你是否是宿命的罪
刺鼻的酒味我浑身欲裂
嘶哑著我的眼泪
Chorus:
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我对你还有些依恋
已到了尽头
无法再回头
我不是全都想过
我怎麽哭得如此狼狈
是否我还期待你的出现
无法再相信
相信我自己
肤浅而荒唐的我
痛哭的人
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Don't change the subject... Answer my question
It all started on Thursday. An arranged dinner became naught because you had to hurry your homework before the dateline for sending to the press. Yes, you spent much time on your work and I don't blame you. In fact, I was already graceful enough to wait for you till 3am before chatting with you AFTER you have finished your work.
Granted, you became sick on Friday, down with bad sore throat and headache. Told you not to overwork and strained your already weak health and you don't want to listen. Yet you still continued into the wee hours to rush your work again. Oh well, I was too tired and fell asleep but in between remembered that your smses woke me up enough to reply back to you, even at 2am, 3am, etc while you are still working.
I have patience, I waited for your recovery from Sunday to Wednesday. Well, on Tuesday when you are better, we DID arranged for the missed dinner, didn't we? Yes, I know you have your meeting till 8+ or 9 and I told you I can wait and you agreed. Even though you said you would call me after the meeting and I thought that lots of time wasting trying to rush to your location. My initiative (and perhaps stupidity) is to drive down to your working location and I waited and waited and waited..... I never expect this sms coming from you "... going for dinner with colleagues and Sales Director..." Oh well, you knew very well that I was THERE waiting for you. Never mind, I told myself. Disappointed but not angry, after all I understood that you need to build your rapport with your working partners. To be truthful, I never even noticed that you didn't even send any "sorry" sms.
Next come Friday, still trying to make up for the arranged dinner. Yes, you are meeting a client near my residential area. It is a bonus for me as I am can easily picked you up fast. You told me you need a short while, perhaps 30mins or so. No problem! I waited and waited... From 7pm till 8pm till 9pm... till I told myself 9:30pm is the last timing, for my stomach cannot wait too! I called you and you never even answer. I sms-ed and receive no reply. What more do I have to say?
Still I was worried and I sms-ed you on Saturday "Are you okay?" and only then did I received your reply. But please, don't change the subject! I wanted to know why am I being stood up for more than 3 times within a week and yet receive no good explanation from you. Do you even care at all? Don't tell me that you have been receiving pervert calls in the wee hours. Just answer my question. Now I am pissed!
You knew very well that I am pissed already and therefore I do nothing more. Don't try to keeping sending a "good morning" sms every morning. I don't buy that anymore. I am already courteous to tell you now how I am feeling.... one word - BAD! Don't tell me now that you are so busy with your presentation and work and yet still got your last CFA exams on coming Monday. You did not answer my question and don't change the subject.
All I want you to do is simple - answer my question. You are NOT being responsible to account for your actions and what you have did. So don't change the subject for I will not reply back anymore to you!
Granted, you became sick on Friday, down with bad sore throat and headache. Told you not to overwork and strained your already weak health and you don't want to listen. Yet you still continued into the wee hours to rush your work again. Oh well, I was too tired and fell asleep but in between remembered that your smses woke me up enough to reply back to you, even at 2am, 3am, etc while you are still working.
I have patience, I waited for your recovery from Sunday to Wednesday. Well, on Tuesday when you are better, we DID arranged for the missed dinner, didn't we? Yes, I know you have your meeting till 8+ or 9 and I told you I can wait and you agreed. Even though you said you would call me after the meeting and I thought that lots of time wasting trying to rush to your location. My initiative (and perhaps stupidity) is to drive down to your working location and I waited and waited and waited..... I never expect this sms coming from you "... going for dinner with colleagues and Sales Director..." Oh well, you knew very well that I was THERE waiting for you. Never mind, I told myself. Disappointed but not angry, after all I understood that you need to build your rapport with your working partners. To be truthful, I never even noticed that you didn't even send any "sorry" sms.
Next come Friday, still trying to make up for the arranged dinner. Yes, you are meeting a client near my residential area. It is a bonus for me as I am can easily picked you up fast. You told me you need a short while, perhaps 30mins or so. No problem! I waited and waited... From 7pm till 8pm till 9pm... till I told myself 9:30pm is the last timing, for my stomach cannot wait too! I called you and you never even answer. I sms-ed and receive no reply. What more do I have to say?
Still I was worried and I sms-ed you on Saturday "Are you okay?" and only then did I received your reply. But please, don't change the subject! I wanted to know why am I being stood up for more than 3 times within a week and yet receive no good explanation from you. Do you even care at all? Don't tell me that you have been receiving pervert calls in the wee hours. Just answer my question. Now I am pissed!
You knew very well that I am pissed already and therefore I do nothing more. Don't try to keeping sending a "good morning" sms every morning. I don't buy that anymore. I am already courteous to tell you now how I am feeling.... one word - BAD! Don't tell me now that you are so busy with your presentation and work and yet still got your last CFA exams on coming Monday. You did not answer my question and don't change the subject.
All I want you to do is simple - answer my question. You are NOT being responsible to account for your actions and what you have did. So don't change the subject for I will not reply back anymore to you!
Friday, 18 July 2008
Questions to ponder upon
I need to address three questions posted by my friends today.
I think about two~three weeks ago, Sharon asked me why am I so self-centered. This question somehow stunned me for a while for I couldn't reply to her and I do not know what to reply to her. All I asked was in what ways did she felt I was so self-centered. As I read my current book, "Basics of Buddhism - Key principles and how to practise" by Pat Allwright, I somehow find the missing piece to my jigsaw puzzle.
All along in my years of prayers, no matter how limited and infrequent and short I have prayed in the past, I have had prayed for (a) Wisdom and (b) Life-Force. Wisdom has bring me great value in my work especially and I see the effect of myself working effectively and efficiently, gaining approval from everyone around me. And wisdom has given me great understanding of many aspects of life and great understanding power. Life-force has bring about a lively and restless me that pushed myself to the limits in my doings, finishing tasks fast and ahead of time and life-force has always make myself a stronger person that is able to recover fast, even now after I fell down.
What was missing is the third factor, that of Compassion. Compassion is the ability to accept things as they are around me and leave them as they are. Compassion is also the ability to understand the limitation of things around me as such, and the understanding of encompassing and showing not just concern but also the resolutions to the issues around me. I shall pray on it too from now on, that I can show greater compassion. I prayed and I do likewise.
Jennifer asked me yesterday what did I see in Princessy such that I fell head over heels over her. She reminded me about Missy as the comparison. Indeed, deep down inside my heart, I admit, I saw the shadow of Missy inside Princessy from day one. In simpler terms, I respect their greater foresight in "planning" for their future and linking it to their present. That is this similarity that made me accept Princessy despite our age differences. You may laugh at it but this particular reason was the reason why I have faithfully waited for Missy for 5~6 years. The key difference now is simply that Missy walked the thoughts (plan execution) while Princessy still show much signs of talking the thoughts (day-dreaming). Not that Princessy is still young. In fact, I knew both girls when they are at the same age, Princessy now and Missy 7 years ago.
Glen asked me at the same time, will I be willing to let Princessy fall down flat for at least once without me interfering and/or preventing that fall? Seriously I wanted to avoid answering this question or even think about it now. This question will somehow made me feel restless or feel bad. I avoided by replying that the most likely outcome will be that I will likely read about her fall-out (with Delvin) and falling down (if that relationship drags into months or maybe years from now) from her blog, just like her troubles with her 3-week-old relationship with Sam. Yes, you are right that I did not addressed the root question inside my heart. In fact, I do not know how to answer you. You may default it as that I will likely try to prevent her falling down. Perhaps this is the likely outcome if I ever get to know her problems (before that fall). I am confused about my course of actions too. I have not "put the glass down from my outstretched hand; and my hand is getting tired from holding that glass".
Regarding the fall, I do not wish it to happen but after talking to so many people, I cannot but agree with all of them. Of the ladies, Wendy, Agnes, Sharon, Sheryl and Elizabeth, have came to the same conclusion that she is too much into puppy love and if she continues to give so much, she will likely have a bad fall later.
And now, I have answered two of the three questions. The third question is too tormenting for me to answer now. But I promised I will think carefully about it!
I think about two~three weeks ago, Sharon asked me why am I so self-centered. This question somehow stunned me for a while for I couldn't reply to her and I do not know what to reply to her. All I asked was in what ways did she felt I was so self-centered. As I read my current book, "Basics of Buddhism - Key principles and how to practise" by Pat Allwright, I somehow find the missing piece to my jigsaw puzzle.
All along in my years of prayers, no matter how limited and infrequent and short I have prayed in the past, I have had prayed for (a) Wisdom and (b) Life-Force. Wisdom has bring me great value in my work especially and I see the effect of myself working effectively and efficiently, gaining approval from everyone around me. And wisdom has given me great understanding of many aspects of life and great understanding power. Life-force has bring about a lively and restless me that pushed myself to the limits in my doings, finishing tasks fast and ahead of time and life-force has always make myself a stronger person that is able to recover fast, even now after I fell down.
What was missing is the third factor, that of Compassion. Compassion is the ability to accept things as they are around me and leave them as they are. Compassion is also the ability to understand the limitation of things around me as such, and the understanding of encompassing and showing not just concern but also the resolutions to the issues around me. I shall pray on it too from now on, that I can show greater compassion. I prayed and I do likewise.
Jennifer asked me yesterday what did I see in Princessy such that I fell head over heels over her. She reminded me about Missy as the comparison. Indeed, deep down inside my heart, I admit, I saw the shadow of Missy inside Princessy from day one. In simpler terms, I respect their greater foresight in "planning" for their future and linking it to their present. That is this similarity that made me accept Princessy despite our age differences. You may laugh at it but this particular reason was the reason why I have faithfully waited for Missy for 5~6 years. The key difference now is simply that Missy walked the thoughts (plan execution) while Princessy still show much signs of talking the thoughts (day-dreaming). Not that Princessy is still young. In fact, I knew both girls when they are at the same age, Princessy now and Missy 7 years ago.
Glen asked me at the same time, will I be willing to let Princessy fall down flat for at least once without me interfering and/or preventing that fall? Seriously I wanted to avoid answering this question or even think about it now. This question will somehow made me feel restless or feel bad. I avoided by replying that the most likely outcome will be that I will likely read about her fall-out (with Delvin) and falling down (if that relationship drags into months or maybe years from now) from her blog, just like her troubles with her 3-week-old relationship with Sam. Yes, you are right that I did not addressed the root question inside my heart. In fact, I do not know how to answer you. You may default it as that I will likely try to prevent her falling down. Perhaps this is the likely outcome if I ever get to know her problems (before that fall). I am confused about my course of actions too. I have not "put the glass down from my outstretched hand; and my hand is getting tired from holding that glass".
Regarding the fall, I do not wish it to happen but after talking to so many people, I cannot but agree with all of them. Of the ladies, Wendy, Agnes, Sharon, Sheryl and Elizabeth, have came to the same conclusion that she is too much into puppy love and if she continues to give so much, she will likely have a bad fall later.
And now, I have answered two of the three questions. The third question is too tormenting for me to answer now. But I promised I will think carefully about it!
Thursday, 17 July 2008
I don't wish to turn back the clock
There is a song "I Wish I Could Turn Back The Clock" by "Johnny Hate Jazz" and the chorus goes like:
{
I wish that I could turn back the clock
Bring the wheels of time to stop
Back to the days when life was so much better
}
Interesting notion, but I do not wish it to be true. I was humbled and humiliated but I think I prefer the present me than before. The kindle to start a fire of faming is gone. The impatience self within me is bottled and kept in check by my peace of mind, achieved by my daily prayers to Buddha.
I remain true to my conscience now. When I am concerned about a situation, I will still show and inform you. You don't like it and ask me to think of your level of acceptance. I will only smile at you and will still inform you. I don't have any guilt in telling you from time to time. Not that I wanted it, and how I wished I have forgotten all the latest news about you or have given up the urge to visit your profile to check from time to time. Still, my self-discipline tell me that I cannot erase what I have already know and what I can only do now is to make sure that my concern (for you) is true to my heart.
I remain as calm as the still sea. When you tell me you have a meeting even after your work, even though we have had arranged a dinner, it is okay for me. I can wait and no, I did not want to waste too much time too. Therefore, instead of waiting at home for your call (after the end of your meeting), I became pro-active. I drove down to your working place and waited. Waited I did until I received an sms telling me that you are going for your dinner with your colleagues and Sales Director. Well, I have been stood up and I have waited for nothing too, but it is okay. I understood very much that you need to build up your rapport with your colleagues and boss. I did not jumped and I did not boiled. However, I remained disappointed and I drove home without much fanfare. Yes, some tears may have dropped along the way but I tell myself, what more disappointment have I not received than that week that I fell down? I have learned to shrug all these disappointments and move on.
I remain as pensive as the melody. The job hunt is "slow". An average of 1.5 applications a day keep me "busy". Still I do not expect to receive any interesting call till end of the July. And no, I have not forsaken my goals. I do not seek a job, I seek a career. The road ahead is still long and windy, less misty than before. Work gives life some meaning, something to keep my mind busy and occupy my time after all.
When all things do not fall in place, I do not despair. The 闷气 is strong but it can be suppressed by a cup of Choya 梅酒 at the end of the day before I slumber into light sleep. Yes, I sleep very lightly these days. Any sms/call to my mobile will bring me back to life.
{
I wish that I could turn back the clock
Bring the wheels of time to stop
Back to the days when life was so much better
}
Interesting notion, but I do not wish it to be true. I was humbled and humiliated but I think I prefer the present me than before. The kindle to start a fire of faming is gone. The impatience self within me is bottled and kept in check by my peace of mind, achieved by my daily prayers to Buddha.
I remain true to my conscience now. When I am concerned about a situation, I will still show and inform you. You don't like it and ask me to think of your level of acceptance. I will only smile at you and will still inform you. I don't have any guilt in telling you from time to time. Not that I wanted it, and how I wished I have forgotten all the latest news about you or have given up the urge to visit your profile to check from time to time. Still, my self-discipline tell me that I cannot erase what I have already know and what I can only do now is to make sure that my concern (for you) is true to my heart.
I remain as calm as the still sea. When you tell me you have a meeting even after your work, even though we have had arranged a dinner, it is okay for me. I can wait and no, I did not want to waste too much time too. Therefore, instead of waiting at home for your call (after the end of your meeting), I became pro-active. I drove down to your working place and waited. Waited I did until I received an sms telling me that you are going for your dinner with your colleagues and Sales Director. Well, I have been stood up and I have waited for nothing too, but it is okay. I understood very much that you need to build up your rapport with your colleagues and boss. I did not jumped and I did not boiled. However, I remained disappointed and I drove home without much fanfare. Yes, some tears may have dropped along the way but I tell myself, what more disappointment have I not received than that week that I fell down? I have learned to shrug all these disappointments and move on.
I remain as pensive as the melody. The job hunt is "slow". An average of 1.5 applications a day keep me "busy". Still I do not expect to receive any interesting call till end of the July. And no, I have not forsaken my goals. I do not seek a job, I seek a career. The road ahead is still long and windy, less misty than before. Work gives life some meaning, something to keep my mind busy and occupy my time after all.
When all things do not fall in place, I do not despair. The 闷气 is strong but it can be suppressed by a cup of Choya 梅酒 at the end of the day before I slumber into light sleep. Yes, I sleep very lightly these days. Any sms/call to my mobile will bring me back to life.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
别说我的眼泪你无所谓
Brewing is sometimes not a good sign, at least for me. I don't like it but that something is brewing inside me. Can't help it as it has always been my character... *sigh*
一个人在这个夜里
孤单得难以入睡
真的想找个人来陪
不愿意一个人喝醉
醉了以后就会流泪
数着你给的伤悲
为什么你总让我憔悴
别说我的眼泪你无所谓
看我流泪 你头也不回
哭过了泪干了心变成灰
我想要的美 你还不想给
伤了的我的心怎去面对
爱给了你 我不后悔
只希望你给我一次机会
让我去追 让我去飞
毕竟爱过的心需要安慰
需要你安慰
啊
一个人在这个夜里
孤单得难以入睡
真的想找个人来陪
不愿意一个人喝醉
醉了以后就会流泪
数着你给的伤悲
为什么你总让我憔悴
别说我的眼泪你无所谓
看我流泪 你头也不回
哭过了泪干了心变成灰
我想要的美 你还不想给
伤了的我的心怎去面对
爱给了你 我不后悔
只希望你给我一次机会
让我去追 让我去飞
毕竟爱过的心需要安慰
需要你安慰
啊
Thursday, 10 July 2008
A measurement of success
"Success isn't a matter of being the best and winning the race, it is a matter of handling the worst and finishing the race."
There i am, at a crossroad, ready to restart my new chapters in life. I have nothing behind, therefore, I feel free suddenly. Free from all the worries about someone, free from work commitment. In fact, I was stupid enough to drop that someone a message to share my worries for what that someone is doing recently - heading for a fall! Let it be sooner than later, for if it comes later, that someone will fall badly for having commit too much. Never mind about that someone, no longer my problem! Even at this time still have the energy to tick me off, very funny! No thanks to that someone's so-called "good friend of 15 years". Enough!
Back to the main topic! What can be worst than the current situation that I am in now. Well, I have fallen, but I have got up again. Before I spring forward fast, I need to think through one more round. And I need to think through all the failures that have had happened in the recent past, in the distant past. They are repeating in fact. Due to my ego and over-confidence in the past, I have not learned those lessons before. Now for the forward sprint!
The race is not over yet. I am badly behind, yes I admit. Not ready to face the future, and not ready to take on new events. Never mind, the focus now is to secure the elusive lucrative job first. If overseas job is a dream waiting to become true, let that good local job be a reality then. Therefore, I will sprint forward now, hopefully will enter the rat race again within 3 months. And this time, I shall remember!
"No matter how wonderful our dreams, how noble our ideals, or how high our hopes, ultimately we need courage to make them a reality. Without action, it's as if they never existed." Daisaku Ikeda
There i am, at a crossroad, ready to restart my new chapters in life. I have nothing behind, therefore, I feel free suddenly. Free from all the worries about someone, free from work commitment. In fact, I was stupid enough to drop that someone a message to share my worries for what that someone is doing recently - heading for a fall! Let it be sooner than later, for if it comes later, that someone will fall badly for having commit too much. Never mind about that someone, no longer my problem! Even at this time still have the energy to tick me off, very funny! No thanks to that someone's so-called "good friend of 15 years". Enough!
Back to the main topic! What can be worst than the current situation that I am in now. Well, I have fallen, but I have got up again. Before I spring forward fast, I need to think through one more round. And I need to think through all the failures that have had happened in the recent past, in the distant past. They are repeating in fact. Due to my ego and over-confidence in the past, I have not learned those lessons before. Now for the forward sprint!
The race is not over yet. I am badly behind, yes I admit. Not ready to face the future, and not ready to take on new events. Never mind, the focus now is to secure the elusive lucrative job first. If overseas job is a dream waiting to become true, let that good local job be a reality then. Therefore, I will sprint forward now, hopefully will enter the rat race again within 3 months. And this time, I shall remember!
"No matter how wonderful our dreams, how noble our ideals, or how high our hopes, ultimately we need courage to make them a reality. Without action, it's as if they never existed." Daisaku Ikeda
Monday, 7 July 2008
When Your World Crashes
Event followed events, news after news, all things always like to happen together, especially bad things. My dream-plane has just crashed landed, or worst still, is now for surviving elements of myself. I can only tell myself now that tomorrow is always a better day than today because tomorrow is a fresh day waiting for me to write the events. I can only pray that my heart can take the current pain and move forward, the mind is willing but the heart is rather weak.
What has happened? The first event is simple. Someone passed by and instead of walking off, she penetrated my defense (which is up since like a year ago to give myself the chance to relocate) and took my heart away. And worst, she walked off after that, giving her heart to someone else in the process. A one and a half month was all it took for me to lose my heart, and I am sad I am still looking for my heart. It is lost somewhere out there and I still haven't found it back yet. Please took pity on me and return my heart. My world is lost without my heart.
The second event, I have done the courageous and yet a stupid thing to quit my current job. Some say I done it for that someone, which is partly true. The other part, which is forcing me out of the company is the on-going political play that is being played for more than a year already. Of course, I was a pawn in the game and even though I got a promising new job transfer to a good business unit, I do not really want to owe the big boss a favour and get sucked more deeply into the political situation. Besides, my pay was stagnant already. Hence, I took the big step to get out now or not. Of course, my mood for working was gone due to the hurt caused by that someone who took me too lightly, so lightly that my self-beliefs were totally erased.
Third event was only 2 days after the second event and was when I lost my life saving on speculation. And what is left in my saving can barely hold me till at most the end of this year. Why the speculation? In my eagerness to prove my worth (can say was for that someone), I did a step so drastic that I wasn't ready for the heap of pressure that is pressed onto me. Yes, in the past, I have done it successfully without much worry. But the current situation was different. I have big expectation, huge pressure to perform, alone in the outside world, and without a retreat route. From the word "go', I couldn't withstand the pressure and couldn't use my brain properly. There is no success to talk about. Only failure after failure.
Forth event occurred immediately after the third event. I turned on my lappie and found the email that I was waiting for. But the news was opposite of what I have expected and have been waiting for like more than 6 months. Finally, the interested company has decided to put the new position in France instead of the proposed Shanghai. And that meant I am no longer in the picture for them. And here is where my hope of relocation vanishes! For more than a year, the discussion was on-going, for six months, their only logical choice was for Shanghai and the fitting candidate was always me. I have put such high hope on them that I wasn't ready for this unfortunate event to happen. And it happened straight after the event after the events. How can my confused mind take the whammy without the lost heart?
I have fallen badly this time. And as I am writing this entry in my hotel room somewhere overseas, I have also booked my flight back home early. I will be back to Singapore by tomorrow. And now, I really really really need a peace of mind to think through what I am really going to do about the current situation. Don't be fooled by this blog entry and the logical and responsive message carried within. For the person who is writing it is very very weak now, mentally drained (too tired planning a failed plan), physically hungry (literally based on only one meal per day), emotionally depressed (still searching for my lost heart). As I stared at the mirror, I cannot but noticed a bigger patch of white hairs on my fringe and I am not kidding you.
I have reacted fast, which is something good for myself. This is what I am planning to do as the best alternative among the worst choices:
Job:
My life revolves around a job, more than family or love. I have realized this when I am jobless. I have no other choice now but to look for another local job and stay put and fight my way through again. It would have been easier for me if I managed to go overseas (for experience and money) and come back at a higher position too. Too bad, now I have to remain contented at where I am and accept it. I did not achieve but I did not fail. I shall regain back a similar job at another company. If fate decides that I am of middle-management level, I must not complain now. For I cannot fight and win against destiny.
Money:
Forget about the wealth. The future is bleak indeed, as there is no more nest for retirement. What is in front of me is a path to struggle through to regain back my financial health to support myself, my family and hopefully, one day, enough for marriage. Instead of a 3-year pilgrim overseas, this time, it is 3-year struggle to prove myself again the ability to feed a NORMAL family. And stop dreaming about upper-class, stay at middle-class.
Family:
I stay put with my family and should start taking care of my old mother again, instead of creating the void to prevent the painful departure when one day I relocate. I am her son after all.
Love:
I have, more or less, stopped dreaming. There is nothing to hope anyway given the current situation I am in. I have absolutely nothing to offer now, no job, no money, no future. And I can't take care of even myself now, what more can I do for a partner. Stop dreaming about it and get back to working life first. Don't put a gal future into another struggle by my own struggle. And now, I really hope my future partner can really accept me for what I am, instead of me trying to prove my worth to feed her.
Character:
A lesson on humility was learned and I do not throw it out. I have mellowed in many aspects and I hope I can maintain it and don't let the future success (if any) get into my head again. I have recalled from my religious studies during my secondary days that a man's honour is measured by his virtues, not by his display of wealth or lifestyle. I will keep my honour as such!
What has happened? The first event is simple. Someone passed by and instead of walking off, she penetrated my defense (which is up since like a year ago to give myself the chance to relocate) and took my heart away. And worst, she walked off after that, giving her heart to someone else in the process. A one and a half month was all it took for me to lose my heart, and I am sad I am still looking for my heart. It is lost somewhere out there and I still haven't found it back yet. Please took pity on me and return my heart. My world is lost without my heart.
The second event, I have done the courageous and yet a stupid thing to quit my current job. Some say I done it for that someone, which is partly true. The other part, which is forcing me out of the company is the on-going political play that is being played for more than a year already. Of course, I was a pawn in the game and even though I got a promising new job transfer to a good business unit, I do not really want to owe the big boss a favour and get sucked more deeply into the political situation. Besides, my pay was stagnant already. Hence, I took the big step to get out now or not. Of course, my mood for working was gone due to the hurt caused by that someone who took me too lightly, so lightly that my self-beliefs were totally erased.
Third event was only 2 days after the second event and was when I lost my life saving on speculation. And what is left in my saving can barely hold me till at most the end of this year. Why the speculation? In my eagerness to prove my worth (can say was for that someone), I did a step so drastic that I wasn't ready for the heap of pressure that is pressed onto me. Yes, in the past, I have done it successfully without much worry. But the current situation was different. I have big expectation, huge pressure to perform, alone in the outside world, and without a retreat route. From the word "go', I couldn't withstand the pressure and couldn't use my brain properly. There is no success to talk about. Only failure after failure.
Forth event occurred immediately after the third event. I turned on my lappie and found the email that I was waiting for. But the news was opposite of what I have expected and have been waiting for like more than 6 months. Finally, the interested company has decided to put the new position in France instead of the proposed Shanghai. And that meant I am no longer in the picture for them. And here is where my hope of relocation vanishes! For more than a year, the discussion was on-going, for six months, their only logical choice was for Shanghai and the fitting candidate was always me. I have put such high hope on them that I wasn't ready for this unfortunate event to happen. And it happened straight after the event after the events. How can my confused mind take the whammy without the lost heart?
I have fallen badly this time. And as I am writing this entry in my hotel room somewhere overseas, I have also booked my flight back home early. I will be back to Singapore by tomorrow. And now, I really really really need a peace of mind to think through what I am really going to do about the current situation. Don't be fooled by this blog entry and the logical and responsive message carried within. For the person who is writing it is very very weak now, mentally drained (too tired planning a failed plan), physically hungry (literally based on only one meal per day), emotionally depressed (still searching for my lost heart). As I stared at the mirror, I cannot but noticed a bigger patch of white hairs on my fringe and I am not kidding you.
I have reacted fast, which is something good for myself. This is what I am planning to do as the best alternative among the worst choices:
Job:
My life revolves around a job, more than family or love. I have realized this when I am jobless. I have no other choice now but to look for another local job and stay put and fight my way through again. It would have been easier for me if I managed to go overseas (for experience and money) and come back at a higher position too. Too bad, now I have to remain contented at where I am and accept it. I did not achieve but I did not fail. I shall regain back a similar job at another company. If fate decides that I am of middle-management level, I must not complain now. For I cannot fight and win against destiny.
Money:
Forget about the wealth. The future is bleak indeed, as there is no more nest for retirement. What is in front of me is a path to struggle through to regain back my financial health to support myself, my family and hopefully, one day, enough for marriage. Instead of a 3-year pilgrim overseas, this time, it is 3-year struggle to prove myself again the ability to feed a NORMAL family. And stop dreaming about upper-class, stay at middle-class.
Family:
I stay put with my family and should start taking care of my old mother again, instead of creating the void to prevent the painful departure when one day I relocate. I am her son after all.
Love:
I have, more or less, stopped dreaming. There is nothing to hope anyway given the current situation I am in. I have absolutely nothing to offer now, no job, no money, no future. And I can't take care of even myself now, what more can I do for a partner. Stop dreaming about it and get back to working life first. Don't put a gal future into another struggle by my own struggle. And now, I really hope my future partner can really accept me for what I am, instead of me trying to prove my worth to feed her.
Character:
A lesson on humility was learned and I do not throw it out. I have mellowed in many aspects and I hope I can maintain it and don't let the future success (if any) get into my head again. I have recalled from my religious studies during my secondary days that a man's honour is measured by his virtues, not by his display of wealth or lifestyle. I will keep my honour as such!
Friday, 4 July 2008
Lost in the Wilderness
From the very moment I stepped out of the plane, I was under tremendous pressure to perform. I crumbled from the word "GO". I lost dearly, my soul and my nearly everything.
As I hide in my hotel room, seeking sanctuary, I need time to ponder what the heck was I doing? I succumb to pressure for 3 days already. And I got another 6 more days to go! What am I going to do? What should I do? I'm lost!
As I yearned to fly back home to my cosy room back in Singapore, but yet I can't! I can only return on the 10th! Meanwhile I was also pondering deeply amid these wild actions I did over the 3 days. Was I really doing all these for myself? Or was I in self-denial stage again? I got a feeling it's the latter. The lingering effect of her has not got over at all. No matter how hard I tried to bottled up my feelings, I guess it is also brewing inside... *sigh* Oh, what must I do now. I really don't know.
I am really squeezed from both ends, the pressure to recover now (what more to talk about performing) and to face up to the world again, especially if one day I face her again. Will I be better than before? Or has I become worst? For the moment, it is the latter as I have nothing already, no job, no incoming job offer, no nothing... How I wish I don't have to face her. Oh Buddha, save me from abysmal.
As I hide in my hotel room, seeking sanctuary, I need time to ponder what the heck was I doing? I succumb to pressure for 3 days already. And I got another 6 more days to go! What am I going to do? What should I do? I'm lost!
As I yearned to fly back home to my cosy room back in Singapore, but yet I can't! I can only return on the 10th! Meanwhile I was also pondering deeply amid these wild actions I did over the 3 days. Was I really doing all these for myself? Or was I in self-denial stage again? I got a feeling it's the latter. The lingering effect of her has not got over at all. No matter how hard I tried to bottled up my feelings, I guess it is also brewing inside... *sigh* Oh, what must I do now. I really don't know.
I am really squeezed from both ends, the pressure to recover now (what more to talk about performing) and to face up to the world again, especially if one day I face her again. Will I be better than before? Or has I become worst? For the moment, it is the latter as I have nothing already, no job, no incoming job offer, no nothing... How I wish I don't have to face her. Oh Buddha, save me from abysmal.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
破釜沉舟
破釜沉舟 (pò fǔ chén zhōu) :-
. . . 比喻下决心不顾一切地干到底。
Today is the start of a new dawn. A day when I joined the jobless clan, with mixed feelings of nostalgia and uncertainty. For perhaps the first time in my life, I decided to embark on something that I have never done it in my life before. I am venturing out into the wilderness, seeking for some truth and meanings in career, life and perhaps some answers to relationship puzzles.
There is no retreat route anymore. I have no backings, no support and I only have a focus forward. I cannot look back and yearn for the past, and there are tons of people waiting there behind, waiting for me to turn back, laugh at me and tell me "I told you so". I know they do care for me but at this stage, as I seek my path forward into the future, I have decided that I want to take control of my own life.
I cast my Tarot program and this is what it suggested what will happen next "You will suddenly realize new mindset; and you become stronger in your new belief and will not waver, and will not believe the group opinion and will seek the path alone." How right can it be! How many would have understood the path that I am taking. Not many or I should say none. Only 3 persons knew my path and well they don't agree (in their hearts) but at least they do give me the moral support to move forward. For me, this is good enough.
Cutting off all retreat routes is something a desperate person will do. But no, I am not desperate. But I seek changes and I do that in order to remind me of the painful lessons (in work and in relationship) I have learned in recent months. Th path forward is unclear but the goals are clear to me. I see the goals but have not yet found the right route to these goals.
As the great general, Xiang Yu, ordered all cooking woks be destroyed so that his tiny Chu army has only 2 choices - a quick decisive victory or death, against the much bigger Qin army at the Battle of Julu; I have cut myself off from my circles of relationship and there are only 2 paths forward - a 3-year pilgrim or self-destruction.
For, this is a pilgrim that I will not enjoy and will be under constant pressure to actualize the goals. And my boss was right about me, there is a self-confidence to take myself forward; otherwise, it won't be me anymore!
Last but not least, just want to pass a message to all who are reading this - I know what I am doing! And as I sow the plan, I shall reap the consequences.
. . . 比喻下决心不顾一切地干到底。
Today is the start of a new dawn. A day when I joined the jobless clan, with mixed feelings of nostalgia and uncertainty. For perhaps the first time in my life, I decided to embark on something that I have never done it in my life before. I am venturing out into the wilderness, seeking for some truth and meanings in career, life and perhaps some answers to relationship puzzles.
There is no retreat route anymore. I have no backings, no support and I only have a focus forward. I cannot look back and yearn for the past, and there are tons of people waiting there behind, waiting for me to turn back, laugh at me and tell me "I told you so". I know they do care for me but at this stage, as I seek my path forward into the future, I have decided that I want to take control of my own life.
I cast my Tarot program and this is what it suggested what will happen next "You will suddenly realize new mindset; and you become stronger in your new belief and will not waver, and will not believe the group opinion and will seek the path alone." How right can it be! How many would have understood the path that I am taking. Not many or I should say none. Only 3 persons knew my path and well they don't agree (in their hearts) but at least they do give me the moral support to move forward. For me, this is good enough.
Cutting off all retreat routes is something a desperate person will do. But no, I am not desperate. But I seek changes and I do that in order to remind me of the painful lessons (in work and in relationship) I have learned in recent months. Th path forward is unclear but the goals are clear to me. I see the goals but have not yet found the right route to these goals.
As the great general, Xiang Yu, ordered all cooking woks be destroyed so that his tiny Chu army has only 2 choices - a quick decisive victory or death, against the much bigger Qin army at the Battle of Julu; I have cut myself off from my circles of relationship and there are only 2 paths forward - a 3-year pilgrim or self-destruction.
For, this is a pilgrim that I will not enjoy and will be under constant pressure to actualize the goals. And my boss was right about me, there is a self-confidence to take myself forward; otherwise, it won't be me anymore!
Last but not least, just want to pass a message to all who are reading this - I know what I am doing! And as I sow the plan, I shall reap the consequences.
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