My good adviser and MSN chat friend, Sheryl (yes, revealing her name at last), who has a very good nest building planning which I admire told me on Saturday morning something that shook me. She was at home while I was at Kallang Mac doing my Personal Growth Planner. She said this "Why is your life revolving around her?" It sound like I was shot.
Before I quited that chat session for home, I told her I would ponder upon that statement. And I did. I looked back at my past too. Let me revealed abit more.
When I was young, still a secondary school until junior college, my life revolved around my eldest sister. My good behaviour is the results of her motherly discipline and everyday I was like trying to find ways and means to avoid her scolding. That was my growing up days.
When I was carefree during my universities day, by being physically absent from home and stay in hostel, I have more or less become self-independence, except financially. Even though each and every sisters contributed their share, none has done it more than my forth sister and her monthly allowance and her constant inquiry about whether I have enough.
When I met my first and still the only ex-gf in 1995, she started to wait outside my lecture theatres every day after every break. While, what more do you wish for to see someone dear waiting outside faithfully for you. Unwittingly my life revolved around her everyday as we spent our time together everyday, which meant I neglected all my friends! After the breakoff, I discovered that I lost more than just her! I lost all my university friends and only a handful is left with me! My life really did revolved around her!
When I met my first crush, Missy, in 2001 she was attached at that time. Yes, I admit I spent more time with her in the next 2 years than her bf, who was still serving his time at NS (mine was over like 6 years ago). Even though we toned down (due to some difficulties) the next 2 years, my heart still contained her and my life really evolved around her too.
Along the journey, I still meet other potentials, and one of them (a teacher) one day emailed me this "... it's abt me cos u know me....who cares whether how they die? All I need is some comfort from u when I'm sad.....I wanted to share so much with u...to call u to talk to u....but i know you were so busy and even if you are free, you wouldn't take my call! Aloof? I would not label u that cos there were times when u do share your stuff with me too ..." I have to say that I am sorry as my heart wasn't ready for you at all.
My heart can contain one and only one lady at any time. This is perhaps my greatest asset (being faithful) and also my greatest obstacle (to accept another). And I do not think there is anything wrong with being as such!
Without needing any guess, I deliberately ignore the teacher after that. Months later, I met another lady, a Korean lady who is staying in Singapore to be exact. After a few dates, one day inside my car, I suddenly heard something of this "I love you" coming out from her mouth. Pretending to be her bad command of English, I actually asked her what did she said. Of course, the same words will not come out again. After that, I avoided her too. The reason is pure and simple, Missy has never left my heart until the day she announced she is going for ROM in Jun 2006. And the Korean lady got married to another Singaporean guy in 2007.
Now in Jun 2008, as I looked through the events, actually most of my actions revolved getting myself accepted by my Dear and her family EVEN when I am not her bf at all! Yes, I may have thoughts of doing my plan of relocation 2 years back but the actual trigger was actually my Princess Dear. In fact, the Personal Growth Planner revolved around getting her back into my arms and it does have a time frame too. My life is actually revolving around her now!
I am a weakling in this aspect, I understood. Even as I re- and re- and re-read my Dear's blog, this is what she has said on her own problem of having her bf of only 1 week dumping her after another week "我知道你要离开很简单 I also know that I would not be able to stop u either, cause I had to lead my own life to. Jeslyn was right though she wasn’t referring to me but life doesn’t just evolved around u. there are a lot of things in this world that I need to look into. A chance was given and u let it go, u chose ur path and I had to move on with mine." She is even stronger than I am. Am I that strong and decisive as she is after all? 拿的起，放不下！
Really have to thank Sheryl for her frank and blunt statement. It was like a bullet penetrating through my heart. Knowing myself very well, I am afraid I am unable to do what you said is right for me. But I do know how to resolve this difficulty in another way. My heart will heal over time, slowly but naturally. [deleted some parts]
To my Princess Dear,
I have to say this and I hear this from my Boss's mouth too. I nearly fall off my chair when I hear a Christian telling me this. God brought us to this world and give us the taste bud not to taste food only. We must face a life of sweetness, bitterness, sourness, saltiness and hotness. I am afraid your life has been a bed of roses and full of sweetness. You have not tasted bitterness yet. What more can you expect when it come to hotness. I have tasted bitterness and sourness already and is still learning the meaning of saltiness. Also not ready for hotness too. But when the right time comes by end of 2010 when you have worked perhaps half a year of more after your university studies, we (not just me) expect you to fall flat and tasted the 2nd taste. The working world is too vicious and cunning. You are not ready for it just yet. [deleted portions]
This is not a promise, but a commitment!
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