Let it be as such

After so many days of upheaval and unsettling nights, I have at last feel very relived. After losing my Dear on 1st Jun 2008, I thought the world has ended. What could be worst than to receive sms-es like "I've decided who i wanna b wif already ..." on 8th Jun 2008. It was like a lorry has banged into my face. Ouch! It hurt where it matters, in the heart, deep inside.

But alas, it was never meant to be. You are too headstrong, Dear. To rush into a relationship within a week when you barely even know the guy much? Suddenly I felt a sense of immaturity in her. Perhaps she was escaping her exbf's shadow, perhaps she was trying to be rebellious and goes against the wishes of her mother to marry a rich kid. Perhaps there is no perhaps. Not everything in life that we do, we can totally disregard the world and go ahead in our decision. This is also something I never practice. Hence, I was bounded badly too~

As my Dear contacted me back and asked me about my opinion on their breakoff after a week of spiral dating. To be honest, I do not want to talk about him, I wanted to talk about us. But you only wanted to know about him. So be it. But as we chatted, I begun to grow afraid too. Afraid of the future. Afraid and daunted by her family background. Untouchable!

The world is fair. If you have perfection in certain aspects, you will be blunted in some other aspects. If richness is what your mother asks you to seek, happiness is what you will be missing later. If happiness is what you seek yourself, demotion of lifestyle is what you will suffer. Therefore, we shall balance. Balance is the only solution.

The three hours chat that we have had was good. We are willing to share over details and others. But, there lies my worries now. In short, this is what I am going through after that call:

Depression -> recovered
Burdened -> recovered
Shaken -> recovering
Scared -> take on this trait suddenly
Confused -> deepened

Yes, even though now you allow me to call you on the phone, yet you have not agree to meet me. This is fine for now. We will meet eventually. We will take on new activities together. This I am confident about.

What I was scared now is the simple fact that I am not ready. I need the time to build myself up for the next 3 years. Hence my confusion deepened. To let go now and ventured into another country, I would come back stronger, but most likely losing Dear in the process. To purse Dear now and let go of the relocation is to kill of any chance of building up. And yet in the latter process, I may still fail in the end. Money is still what her family demanded to match. Money is what I lacked. But I do know that perhaps in their eagerness to take care of their Princess, they should realize one fact - they are not selling their daughter! Money can buy luxuries, but not happiness.

Consulted many ladies I did. And this is what they said:

Eldest sister (44), mother of 2 -> Go to Shanghai!
Forth sister (42) , mother of 3 -> I support your whatever decision
Friend (26), mother of 2 -> it's puppy love she is having for goodness sake!
Friend (23), caught in love triangle -> fight for her
Friend (29), good nest planning she had -> drop her?

To be truthful, I have had think hard too. The answers are always inside my brain. I know them too well. Just want to hear more opinions, that's all. I went for palm reading before and this is what the Master said, "indecisive; but once made a decision, will stand firm; and will crush all opposition to this decision" And he is right! The path standing before me has been hatched 2 years ago. I waver, I side-tracked, I even nearly gave up (for Dear's sake) and I wish to change track.

As I am standing up to stand firm, I know in my life, no matter how I have side-tracked in my path, I always reach the same destination in the end. This time, I started to stand up for my decision. Yes, I am going to relocate after all! And no, I will not side-tracked or pull-back by anyone anymore!

But no, I am not giving up on Dear. Called it a test of Love! If she was meant for me, she will be. Just as my boss related his story. They broke off for 3 years, came back together for 1 year, broke off for another 3 years, and ended up in marriage after all. If my Dear was meant to be mine, she will be! If my Dear is really a committed person (which now I started to suspect due to her recent case), she will even be willing to relocate herself and pursue her dreams of the TCM study at my same location. This is the ultimate compromise! Will it happen? I won't dream of it. Not at all.

As for now, friendship shall take place. Nothing more serious than that. Your destiny may not cross with mine. I can really accept that now. I am relived of my burden (of pursuing you). If you are serious about me (which I seriously doubted that; more like being hanged by a thread), you will come after me. Now I will respect this saying:

有缘千里来相会。
无缘对面不相逢。

Nature shall take its course! Let it be. Dear is still young. A student mindset is always that of a student, nothing more. What you thought you had more is due to your complicated family situation and the wide socializing that you have had. In the end, you are not proven. The working world out there is vicious and unforgiving for failures. Don't expect your parents to rescue you too often. It will set you back actually. And you must learn to let go of your inner hatred and eagerness to prove to other people. Life is about living your life as it is, not to prove for other to see.

As for me, I can understand that no matter what I did in the 3 years or so, there is only one conclusion. I will come back stronger, learned by failing or achieved by success. There is no other outcome. Therefore, I shall go venture!

(P.S.: For the first time in my life, I was able to accept letting someone go and freely choose what she wanted, even if her choice later is still me. Sorry to Missy, that I have had not given you this chance in 2005.)