When Your World Crashes

Event followed events, news after news, all things always like to happen together, especially bad things. My dream-plane has just crashed landed, or worst still, is now for surviving elements of myself. I can only tell myself now that tomorrow is always a better day than today because tomorrow is a fresh day waiting for me to write the events. I can only pray that my heart can take the current pain and move forward, the mind is willing but the heart is rather weak.

What has happened? The first event is simple. Someone passed by and instead of walking off, she penetrated my defense (which is up since like a year ago to give myself the chance to relocate) and took my heart away. And worst, she walked off after that, giving her heart to someone else in the process. A one and a half month was all it took for me to lose my heart, and I am sad I am still looking for my heart. It is lost somewhere out there and I still haven't found it back yet. Please took pity on me and return my heart. My world is lost without my heart.

The second event, I have done the courageous and yet a stupid thing to quit my current job. Some say I done it for that someone, which is partly true. The other part, which is forcing me out of the company is the on-going political play that is being played for more than a year already. Of course, I was a pawn in the game and even though I got a promising new job transfer to a good business unit, I do not really want to owe the big boss a favour and get sucked more deeply into the political situation. Besides, my pay was stagnant already. Hence, I took the big step to get out now or not. Of course, my mood for working was gone due to the hurt caused by that someone who took me too lightly, so lightly that my self-beliefs were totally erased.

Third event was only 2 days after the second event and was when I lost my life saving on speculation. And what is left in my saving can barely hold me till at most the end of this year. Why the speculation? In my eagerness to prove my worth (can say was for that someone), I did a step so drastic that I wasn't ready for the heap of pressure that is pressed onto me. Yes, in the past, I have done it successfully without much worry. But the current situation was different. I have big expectation, huge pressure to perform, alone in the outside world, and without a retreat route. From the word "go', I couldn't withstand the pressure and couldn't use my brain properly. There is no success to talk about. Only failure after failure.

Forth event occurred immediately after the third event. I turned on my lappie and found the email that I was waiting for. But the news was opposite of what I have expected and have been waiting for like more than 6 months. Finally, the interested company has decided to put the new position in France instead of the proposed Shanghai. And that meant I am no longer in the picture for them. And here is where my hope of relocation vanishes! For more than a year, the discussion was on-going, for six months, their only logical choice was for Shanghai and the fitting candidate was always me. I have put such high hope on them that I wasn't ready for this unfortunate event to happen. And it happened straight after the event after the events. How can my confused mind take the whammy without the lost heart?

I have fallen badly this time. And as I am writing this entry in my hotel room somewhere overseas, I have also booked my flight back home early. I will be back to Singapore by tomorrow. And now, I really really really need a peace of mind to think through what I am really going to do about the current situation. Don't be fooled by this blog entry and the logical and responsive message carried within. For the person who is writing it is very very weak now, mentally drained (too tired planning a failed plan), physically hungry (literally based on only one meal per day), emotionally depressed (still searching for my lost heart). As I stared at the mirror, I cannot but noticed a bigger patch of white hairs on my fringe and I am not kidding you.

I have reacted fast, which is something good for myself. This is what I am planning to do as the best alternative among the worst choices:

Job:
My life revolves around a job, more than family or love. I have realized this when I am jobless. I have no other choice now but to look for another local job and stay put and fight my way through again. It would have been easier for me if I managed to go overseas (for experience and money) and come back at a higher position too. Too bad, now I have to remain contented at where I am and accept it. I did not achieve but I did not fail. I shall regain back a similar job at another company. If fate decides that I am of middle-management level, I must not complain now. For I cannot fight and win against destiny.

Money:
Forget about the wealth. The future is bleak indeed, as there is no more nest for retirement. What is in front of me is a path to struggle through to regain back my financial health to support myself, my family and hopefully, one day, enough for marriage. Instead of a 3-year pilgrim overseas, this time, it is 3-year struggle to prove myself again the ability to feed a NORMAL family. And stop dreaming about upper-class, stay at middle-class.

Family:
I stay put with my family and should start taking care of my old mother again, instead of creating the void to prevent the painful departure when one day I relocate. I am her son after all.

Love:
I have, more or less, stopped dreaming. There is nothing to hope anyway given the current situation I am in. I have absolutely nothing to offer now, no job, no money, no future. And I can't take care of even myself now, what more can I do for a partner. Stop dreaming about it and get back to working life first. Don't put a gal future into another struggle by my own struggle. And now, I really hope my future partner can really accept me for what I am, instead of me trying to prove my worth to feed her.

Character:
A lesson on humility was learned and I do not throw it out. I have mellowed in many aspects and I hope I can maintain it and don't let the future success (if any) get into my head again. I have recalled from my religious studies during my secondary days that a man's honour is measured by his virtues, not by his display of wealth or lifestyle. I will keep my honour as such!