Today is a depressing day for me. Why is it depress actually? The American Heritage Dictionary of English Language (4th edition) gives "[verb] To lower in spirits; deject". It has a totally meaning as sad, which has the explanation of "[adjective] Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness". So I summed up that I am depressed, not sad. What has become of me?
Today I received a short email from a gal, whom my good friends called her Miss C (pronounced as "Missy" as in nurse in hokkien). The email simply stated that she has married (ROM) on the 1st July 2005!
This is a gal whom I last met some time around the 6th Nov 2004 (can't remember the exact date) and when we (2 of us only) went for KTV session at Clementi K-Box on that day. I had invited her for my birthday in Oct-2004, which she wasn't able to make it. In a way, she wanted to make it up for me (how kind of her). What was interesting too was the fact that I had just collected my brand new car less than a week ago. And yes, she was the first person outside my family members to sit in my car. Isn't that special? Also, what was important is the scar that was left behind. I did not tell my family nor my friends about it anyway. My brand new car was vandalised with a deep cut across the top of my boot of my car. It is just a car to me anyway, an item to use so why be clinging on dearly to it. I don't blame anyone but I do curse that moron who scratch my car to be knocked down by another car driven by an inconsiderate driver! So both will deserve their 'rewards'. Forgive but never forget! And remember, we reap what we cultivated, we harvest what we planted (in ourselves).
Anyway, I had a "long" history with this gal. And the 2nd last time I met her was during my birthday during Oct-2003. Can you believe that we had pictures taken together for the first time! Thanks to my good friend, Glen, for bringing his HP camera. Hey, your camera cannot-make-it lah, use my Cannon camera lah. Once a year meeting with this gal huh, it seems so and sadly so. Moreover, a few weeks I realised through analyzing our emails exchange that I realised that she had met a new guy in the same week as my birthday! And this very guy (husband now) only took a month to win her heart! Damn! That was devastating!
Turning back the clock, I remembered VERY clearly the environment, the situation and time when I met this Miss C on the 31st Jan 2001 at the entrance of the escalator at Lido building. She was a young 21-yr-old jovial, radiant and cheerful gal, who has matured into a young adult less than 2 months ago and whose bf is in the national service and I was struggling 27-yr-old engineer who is single and whose life revolves around my job, a.k.a. working overtime almost everyday. On that very day, I met a 'street-wise' gal who saw me but purposely moved to a place where I should go find her. She is a "Puppet-Master" after all - a result that she obtained after we played with a particular online personality test of sort. It really means that she is good at stringing people with her fingers, a.k.a. wayang kulit show. I simply like this PM term! No other words will describe her better!
What started as the first meeting actually bonded us together (somewhat a bit). Love is at first sight for me! I even managed to find an 'excuse' that because we chatted too long on the first meeting and we actually didn't managed to check out some CDs at HMV (Hereen). Somehow she must be interested (in me) that she agreed to meet again the very next day. The progress was fast and furious and we met quite often after that. Somewhat I find her radiant, "attractive", jovial and with the sparkle in her eyes that really captivated me. I was madly in 'love' with her huh. Nonetheless, I screwed up one day when I was angry with her over some small petty issues (can't even remember what was it now) and naively told her that we should cool down for a period of 3 months! Gals always needed attention! What more, she was officially attached then and during these 3 months, I guess her bonding with her bf became stronger too!
In the end, when we met again after the so-called cooling period, the closeness and rapport wasn't as intimate as before. Still, we continue to go out as friends after work (usually) as before. Weekends were reserved for her NS bf. Poor guy. Again, in somewhere in mid-2002, I "stepped on her toes" over her going out with her cannot-make-it friends that our friendship really cooled-down. After that she hardly wanted to meet me and I always received a 'not-free for last minute meeting' kind of sms. More, her attitude turned towards the arrogant attitude. She can even declared that she wasn't free for the next 2-3 weeks and asked me to ask again some other days. Somehow I really don't like her PM attitude, playing people feelings as though it makes her day. Too bad, she broke off with her bf in 2003 and during that period of time, we hardly ever met too. I lost the chance to woo her back during that period after she dumped her ex-bf because I did not meet her nor contact her and so was in the very very dark situation. Only till in 2004 that I found out that I overstepped the line. She had considered me before and that she valued her freedom so much that she found it suffocating. However, she did commented that I was the type who will be caring.
2001 passed, 2002 passed, 2003 passed, 2004 passed, 2005... One fine evening, on the 14th Jun 2005, a more confident guy of nearly 31-yr-old with his good friend, Woo, were shopping at Isetan at Lido building. Did I say Lido building again? On our way to buy some new tie, somehow a very focused me walked passed a matured lady walking intimately with her bf. My good friend was stunned upon seeing her and only after she has panickly pulled her bf off to the escalator to escape me that my good friend told me about it. What I saw was the behind (I definitely recognize her!) and the lingering feeling that trailed after...
Back to the present, why am I depressed and not sad? My feeling for her has died down ever since we had lots of disagreement of opinions over the period from 2003 to 2004. I longed for her, made no mistake about it. It's a fact that I will not considered another gal that is inferior to her. That's how much I liked her. In my mind, I knew I blew my chances in 2002 and made it worst in 2003. And by 2004, the chances were as good as over. But in my heart, I still yearned for her, even today.
Sadness is not in my heart today. The fact of she marrying has longed been repeatingly drilled into my mind. But I am depressed. The mood (after reading that email) was not the same anymore. I started writing this blog around 5pm and look at the time it is posted. And yes, I am still in office, alone in my personal room, alone in the whole department, alone at night, melanchoically listening to my jazz music. It's Friday night! Should I stopped and go home? To what? To emptiness at home? My heart is in pain!
Mirage
"There but in no way there
One seething with blurred vision
Image of Hope on one's mind
One step you take
two more steps I am further
Night falls and I am away
Life is nothing but a Mirage!"
Lodoss
Jul-1999
My poem that I compossed after I broke off with my 1st ever gf in 1999 after nearly 4 years of relationships. I had 2 other poems that I composed using the full name of Miss C as the first alphebet of very sentence and using her christian name C...
My poem painted a scenario where a person has given oneself a very high target that is difficult to achieve, and which ended in failure.
1st sentence: The target/goal is there but still very far (it is nowwhere achievable now)
2nd sentence: The target/goal is set too high, so in a way, one is not sure of achieving it
3rd sentence: Since it's a target/goal, one always has high hope and formulate a plan to achieve
4th sentence: At every juncture that one encounter
5th sentence: One actually find that the goal/target has moved even further
6th sentence: A mirage dissappeared at night in desert whereby people dying of thirst totally give up hope of survival after struggling to reach it for so long during the day time. Essentially the sentence really described the essence of the poem.
7th sentence: Isn't our life just a dream? Like a mirage? It's not really there, it's something that we cannot really see or feel but we live because of it (life).
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